Confessions
of a Modern-day Tantrika
1/10/10
“Fear is simply the lack
of faith and love.” Course in Miracles
“When God is behind you, there is nothing to fear. When God isn’t behind you, there is
everything to fear.” J. Bird
“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out
fear.” 1John 4:18
“And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make
you free.” St.John 8:32
I have a few confessions to
make as a follow-up to my last newsletter “The Naked Truth.”
My first confession is this: I
was not a victim of a police “raid”
here at Heartsong. In fact the Spirit
had shown me in vision exactly what was going to happen that day and asked me
if I was okay with walking through these doors.
I told the spirit I was willing to walk through any doors that were for the “greatest good” and accordance to
“Divine Will”. Many years ago (perhaps even
lifetimes ago) I surrendered myself to Divine Will so nothing that happens in
my life is according to chance but according to my dharma or karma—whichever
term you’d like to use. Dharma according to Wayne Dyer’s
definition means “destiny.” I like his
definition which is actually the same definition for karma. I like the word
“Destiny” and that’s why I named one of my daughters “Destiny.” It is a powerful word. And so Tuesday I had a “date with Destiny.”
Of course there were other
obvious indicators. First of all my
landlord on Saturday, when he came to collect the rent check gave me a “head’s
up” that a friend of his son’s whose father is in the police department had
told him that I was “under investigation.”
I appreciated his words of caution but I consciously chose not to go into fear.
Also,
since my previous newsletter entitled “The Watchers from the Shadows and the
Light,” my sister and her daughter have been pretty upset with me. After that Newsletter, I received several threatening text
messages from my sister’s daughter whose dad is in the police department. These are what she had texted me and
Destiny’s replies (because I absolutely hate texting):
10:59 Mel: You are one ruthless bitch and I am calling
authorities on you and your business you don’t even know the correct facts
11:02 Mel: Oh and if you e mail my mom one more time I will
we will file harassment charges!
11:53 Destiny’s reply (because I hate to text): What have I
ever done to you or your family but expose the truth
11:56 Mel: U don’t even know the whole truth you think you
know by here say and then put it in your own nasty words which is so far out
there.
12:01 Mel: Leave my mom alone and mind your own business.
If you write one more letter about my family you will have cops crawling so far
up your ass you wont know what to do
12:05 Destiny: Your mom actually proofread that newsletter
and didn’t object to its content so I think you’re the one who needs to mind
their own business.
12:08
Mel: You are so full of shit I am talking to her right now and I have read her
e-mails telling you to leave her alone
For those of you who do not
wish to know “The Whole Truth,” please skip this part and go directly to the
part entitled “Confessions of a Modern-day Tantrika.” This part is for those personal friends who
wish to know the “The Whole Truth” which frankly is a bunch of family history
and is the title of the e-mail I’d sent to my oldest sister, Cheryle, and
carbon copied to all of my family members on November 12:
Dear Cheryle--
It was so good to talk with you yesterday. I have been
agonizing over this whole family business now for weeks and I thought I was
alone in my feelings. It's good to know that you and Bruce have similar
feelings. It's also interesting to find out that Wendy was lying when she
wrote me in a "poison pen letter" stating that David had been part of
putting together a contract for her to "earn" $2,200 a month just to
live with Mom. That amount doesn't include free rent and utilities.
I realize Wendy is stressed over paying her bills (as we all are) but I don't
think it's right for her to "create" a job where one doesn't
exist. She should at least volunteer to keep an eye on Mom while she's
living there for part of her rent and utilities and for what she already owes
for Braden's car mess-up and her breast surgery. Also, Danielle and Joel
are both adults living there and can keep an eye on her when Wendy is at
work. We all need to be accountable for our creations (including our
children) and Wendy is out of work because she chooses to be. I've
offered her a job here at Heartsong on several occasions but she always has her
own blasted excuses why she doesn't want to work. Now that window of
opportunity has closed. I also realize that our family does have some
major mental illnesses that need to be addresses so that they can function
normally in society. I'm trying to address my tendency to want to escape
confrontation as it is inherit in our DNA. I've done some voice
patterning and this tendency has been linked to our Grandfather Thorne who
probably had a difficult time expressing after his dad committed suicide.
This is where we get our suicidal tendencies. Also, we get our tendencies
to want to bail everyone out with money on the Callister side of the family
where real love was never expressed--only a monetary substitution.
Anyway, I'm seeing a great Karmic therapist to understand some of my own Karmic
challenges. His name is Steve Proskauer and he wrote an excellent book
called "Karmic Therapy." I'm going to get everyone in the
family a copy for Christmas. He does Karmic and Shamanic Therapy here in
town and I highly recommend him. Attached is the edited Heartsong
Newsletter I told you about which I send out periodically to my
congregation of "The Church of the Gathering of What is Real."
It's entitled "The Watchers from the Shadow and the Light."
Enjoy! Email me sometimes and I will put you on my e-mail list for future
correspondence. LOL--Janae
P.S. Also I think the last thing we should do right now in this
economic climate is to reverse mortgage MOM'S house. She doesn't want to
and I think we would take a big hit on it. Also, the less money Mom has
in her bank account, the less likely people are going to take advantage of her--don't
you agree?
The last e-mail I sent to my
family on Christmas Eve was this after they had called a family meeting that I
couldn’t attend as I had made previous plans:
Dear Family Members—
This is a cease and desist order for any more meetings,
conversations, and/or decisions concerning Mother's welfare without me and
everyone else present. This is also an order to follow the decisions
which were made at our last meeting which include the following: Wendy
will not be given any more payment for caretaking Mother starting January
1, those adults living with Mother which include Wendy, Braden, Danielle
and Joel will be responsible for Mother's care in exchange for their rent and
utilities. The reverse-mortgage on the house will NOT take place until
ALL parties can agree as this is considered "future inheritance" for
everyone and besides that, Mom has NOT agreed to such a drastic step in
her retirement plan. That I be present at any court hearings determining
whether or not Mother is competent enough to make her own
decisions concerning her retirement and her real estate. If any of
these decisions are violated, then I will have no other choice then to charge
everyone involved with Elder Abuse and file a petition for guardianship for
Mother. Please let me know after Christmas, when the next meeting will be
held and I will try to make it. I can be e-mailed at heartsong@webpipe.net or reached by phone
at 953-9205. Thanks for your consideration in this matter—Janae
This e-mail which went out to
all of my family was followed by a threatening text from my niece stating:
“I told u if u emailed my mom
one more time I would call the cops. Hope u have a great visit with them”
I didn’t take the threat too
seriously until my landlord confirmed that “I was under investigation.” I refused to go into fear over all of it and
continued my “business as usual” policy even with these threats hanging over my
head.
I’m sharing this with all of
you simply for the sake of clarity and also for my own personal
revelation. Here is the revelation I
received this morning as I was doing my usual Sunday morning cleanse and
meditation which I feel to share with you, my beloveds:
My life is a microcosm to the
universal macrocosm and so what I am going through now not only impacts my
life, but my family’s life, my community, and the entire planet. Recently, I’ve been doing a lot of clearing
and healing of my own DNA doing Vo-Cal—Voice Patterning invented by Cal Young
(you can e-mail me for further information) and also Shamanic/Karmic Therapy
with an excellent therapist in town named Steve Proskauer. (I hope Steve doesn’t mind me mentioning his
name as he was also referred to my family in my e-mail.)
Here’s a bit of my own family
“baggage” which I have been “digging up” for my own enlightenment (bringing it
to the light) and for clearing on my own DNA which some of you may or may not
relate to. As was mentioned earlier in
my letter to my sister Cheryle, my great-grandfather Thorne committed suicide
by drinking lye one night in his own hardware store in Pleasant Grove (not
Pleasantville, but close) because he couldn’t come to terms with his two plural
wives fighting with each other all the time.
Not only did this introduce suicidal tendencies in our family, but I
believe this set-up his son (my grandfather Thorne) for a seriously depreciated
self-esteem which attracted the opposite in my grandmother Thorne who I
understand was very boisterous and assertive. (I never met either Grandparents
but have seen pictures of them.) This combination of personalities is the
classic set-up for my father’s tendencies toward homosexuality. And because of his sexual dysfunction it set
him up for the opposite sexual dysfunction in my mother who was frigid and
dissociated. Because they were both long
time members of the Mormon Church (four generations back on all four sides of
the family) my father didn’t have a “healthy outlet” for sexuality and so he
became a sexual predator to my older brothers, who in turn, took out a lot of
their anger and frustrations on me and my younger sister by teasing us
incessantly. I still absolutely hate being teased. So there you go with the “family baggage
tree” and I believe this is being brought up to clear as my mother, who is 86
next month is nearing her time of transition to the other side. For some reason, I think it’s important to
clear up your karma before you die so you don’t have to recycle it into the
next life.
So now I’m trying to figure out
in my own life’s karma of whether or not I’m drawn to “tantric” therapy because
of a dysfunction in my own DNA or I am genuinely compassionate towards those
men I see coming to me over and over again with the same sexual frustrations as
my father did. I guess in doing what I
do I am healing myself and my family’s DNA but I feel, in a sense, it is my own
Darma/Karma I am following and I simply can’t deny it or run away from it. I must stick with it or die!
About a year ago I wrote an article which I submitted to The Catalyst (which wasn’t printed)
entitled “Confessions of a Modern Day Tantrika” which I’d like to include as a
summary:
Confessions
of a Modern-day Tantrika
Tantrika: a practitioner of
Tantra
Tantra: to expand, to weave together
In our modern-day society, “Tantra”
has become a catch-all word to describe a number of different spiritual
practices that have an erotic component or sexual application. These practices first showed up in the Taoist
tradition, in Tibet, in Nepal and in India and these erotic practices were seen
as cults or part of the “occult” or hidden practices. Obviously, anything that had to do with
sexual practices was forced underground to protect us from our “natural
obsession” with sex and sensuality. But
in Tantra, sex is simply viewed as one aspect of an energy system called the
“chakra system” where all energies are acknowledged as part of the whole. Just as in a rainbow, all colors are valued
and expressed, so it is with the body’s energy system or “temple of light”
wherein all energy vibrations or colors are acknowledged and expressed. There are no “good” colors or “bad”
colors. They are simply colors and
having a full pallet of colors to paint with is the goal of the tantrika. This is the foundation for Tantra and for
many other holistic spiritual practices.
For Tantra, everything is holy.
As far
as I can understand all spiritual systems have their inception with an
individual having an altered state experience where the ego boundaries dissolve
and there’s a connection, there’s an acknowledgement, there’s a deep knowing of
relationship with all things.
Scientifically and philosophically, it’s not unlike quantum physics
which describes that all particles are related and part of the universal
whole. From this “holistic” viewpoint,
Tantra essentially says there is one energy which pervades the universe, and
the pain that we experience comes from our identification with our sense of
separateness. From a holistic healer’s
point of view, I’ve found that pain is caused when we restrict, resist, or
suppress this universal energy flow within our bodies. Pain is simply an expression of a need for
attention in that particular area. When
we release the restriction which is causing the pain, then the body can enjoy a
fuller expression of energy flow.
Biologically speaking, it is the process of “turning on” all of the
receptor sites so that we can be totally present with the ultimate bliss of
oneness.
There’s a huge body of holistic
practices including yoga (which means to join), TM (transcendental meditation)
and bodywork (including Tantric massage and Watsu) which is used to purify the
body, mind and spirit so that one can experience this type of oneness
connection or non-separateness. I have
personally engaged in all three of these practices for over thirty years and
have experienced this ecstatic state of “oneness” which is ineffable and
indefinable. It can only be experienced
to comprehend it.
Unfortunately in this country,
and especially in Utah, there are restrictive laws concerning the practice of
Tantric massage. As a Nationally
Certified Massage Therapist and Body Worker, I have practiced in many other
states which have allowed for the practice of Tantric massage and other
bodywork, such as Watsu, which are traditionally practiced in the nude. Ishvara, the founder of Harbin Hot Springs in
California (where I trained in Watsu and Waterdance) and the author of the
book, Oneness in Living, describes
the three main benefits of nudity:
1)
To enjoy that inherent birthright: to be free, to
run free, to be open to nature, and to be ecstatic.
2)
To grow spiritually by overcoming barriers
between ourselves and others.
3)
To stop hiding from others and, instead, to be
honest.
In addition, it is very
healthful to expose all of our skin directly to sun, air, and water. This was part of the ancient Essene tradition
where they “stripped off all of their clothes and allowed the angels of the
air, the water and the sun to minister to them.” (See The
Essene Gospel of Peace by Edmond
Bordeaux Szekely) Also, in the Gospel of
Thomas found at the Nag Hammadi in Upper Egypt in 1945, the disciples ask
Jesus, “When will you appear to us and when shall we see you?” Jesus replies: “When you take your clothes and put them
under your feet like little children and trample them, then you will see the
son of the living one and you will not be afraid.”
Why is it in our modern-day
society we are afraid to take off our clothes and walk around naked? The answer is obvious: Because we will immediately be arrested and thrown
in jail for “indecent exposure!” Not to
mention the personal em-bare-ass-ment we will cause our family and
friends. (Excuse the pun-ish-ment.) When was it that our society suddenly decided
that our “birthday suits” or that which God originally sent us to earth wearing
was considered evil and obscene? Was it
in the Garden of Eden wherein God asks Adam and Eve “Who told you you were
naked?” And they bashfully replied, “The
serpent (or Satan).” God never told them they were naked and that
it was “wrong” to be naked. According to
the Bible, Satan actually did! I
challenge any God-fearing Christian to find any
scripture to support the idea that nudity is a sin. In fact, King David was known for his
“dancing naked in the streets” as a celebration to God!
As a licensed massage therapist
working in Utah, I have willingly subscribed to archaic laws requiring the
draping of all “sexual” parts of the body.
And, as a Utah Naturist, I’ve had to hike up to such remote places as
Diamond Fork Hot Springs or find a secluded sandbar on Lake Powell in order to
practice my “naturist” activities. I
must confess that this has compromised my own personal beliefs that nudity is
healthy and “holistic” and is an aspect of “holistic health.” But now let’s get into the discussion about
how healthy sexuality (I mean regular orgasms for both men and women) is not
only healthy but life-promoting—now I’m really in trouble!
Growing up as a Mormon in Salt
Lake City, I’ve witnessed firsthand the dysfunction and disease that has been
caused by the suppression of sexual energy (not to mention the unhealthy
sealing of the body’s energy system with nylon under garments). Utah is well-known for its high incidence of
prostate, uterine and breast cancer along with other sexual dysfunctions such
as impotence and frigidity. I subscribe
to the age-old adage that if you “don’t use it, you lose it.” It’s basic medical science. If there isn’t circulation going to any part
of the body, it’s going to wither up and die.
(Try tying off a toe for a few days and see what happens.) Of course it’s also well-known knowledge that
anything suppressed will come out sooner or later in other perverted
forms. Polygyny, pornography,
prostitution and pedophilia are the four perversions that are prevalent in this
“Mormon” society. Believe me I’ve
personally witnessed all four in my own life as a practicing Mormon.
Perhaps this is the motivation
for my pursuit as a Tantric massage therapist in, of all places, Utah. Yes, I have the required background: I’ve
been a yoga and TM practitioner and teacher for over 30 years, I’m a Master
Herbalist and holistic health practitioner, I am a Nationally Certified Massage
Therapist and Body Worker, I am a Watsu and Waterdance practitioner, I am the
author of several books, including Herbs
to the Rescue, Heartsong, Heart Wide
Open (which features me nude on front
and Becoming One—the journey toward
God. But above all, I am a
recovering Mormon and Fundamentalist Mormon polygamist with perhaps the most
dysfunctional family “sexual” background imaginable. (You can read about it in my book, Heartsong.) I suppose this is also the incentive for
establishing Heartsong Healing Center here in Holladay, Utah in order for me to
practice holistic health and teach classes concerning Tantra and Kundalini
energy awakening. I have huge
compassion for “sexually dysfunctional survivors” and it seems that my life’s
spiritual path has directed me to this “neck of the woods” in order to serve my
fellow brothers and sisters here in Utah.
And speaking of “necks” yes, I am putting my neck on the line in order
to practice traditional Tantric massage and Watsu. Yet historically, it’s been the pioneering
path of the mystic or heretic (take for instance, Joseph Smith) to cut a path
through the illusion of our separation in order to experience the bliss of our
oneness.
But for now my intent is to
stay within the Utah laws regarding naturism and massage practices in order to
keep my license and provide for myself and family. Needless to say, I am a strong advocate for
changing the suppressive Utah laws and allow for client/therapist mutual
consent and confidentiality with regards to traditional Tantric massage and
Watsu. This is a free country where liberty
should reign paramount with regard to one’s holistic health and spiritual
practices. And Tantra is time-honored
and respected therapy in most other states besides Utah. And it is a well-regarded spiritual practice
in many countries around the world.
Finally, I express my freedom
of speech by quoting the words of one of my favorite characters, the Courtesan,
Veronica Franco in the movie, Dangerous
Beauty in defense of her life as a courtesan in Venice:
“I confess I find more ecstasy
in passion than in prayer. Such passion
is prayer. I confess . . . I pray still
to feel the touch of my lover’s lips, his hands upon me, his arms enfolding
me. Such surrender has been mine. I confess I hunger still to be filled and
enflamed, to melt into the dream of us, beyond this troubled place, to where we
are not ourselves, to know that always, always this is mine. If this had not been mine, if I had lived
another way, a child to a husband’s whim, my soul hardened from lack of touch
and lack of love, I confess such endless days and nights would be punishment
far greater than any you would meter out.
You, all of you, who hunger so for what I give, but cannot bear to see
such power in a woman. You call god’s
greatest gift – ourselves—our yearning, our need for love, you call it filth,
and sin and heresy. I repent there was
no other way open to me. I do not repent
my life.”
These words stand as my own
confession of my life as a modern-day Tantrika.
For more information on Tantra
massage and classes, e-mail Jesse at heartsong @webpipe.net or visit www.heartsonghealingcenter.net
Blessings to one and all—J.
Bird (still naked as a)
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