A
Letter to My Beloveds
2/16/
10
Dear Beloveds—
What a powerful place Sweet
Surrender is! Wow, the universe is
really showing up for Brad and I in ways we never dreamed possible! Because we weren’t able to come up with the
$3,000 rent money yesterday (Monday) Brad received an inspiration (during his
morning cleanse) that he should ask Bob, our landlord, if we could stay here at
Heartsong as resident caretakers until he finds another leasee for the
spa. Brad was willing to offer him
$500/mo rent plus utilities for us to stay indefinitely on a month to month
basis as long as I no longer practice my very controversial “Tantric” bodywork. We were both delighted and thrilled when Bob
agreed to our terms, and then Brad got to work yesterday and his boss offered
him a $500/mo raise which will totally cover the rent. Praise God for His/Her miracles! Heartsong will continue to operate as a
Holistic Healing Center so everyone who has signed up for a yearly membership
can still have access to all of our facilities.
Because we are on a month/month contract with Bob, we can only offer
monthly memberships for $10/mo for anyone else who is interested in utilizing
our amazing holistic health facilities.
As for some of the updates from
my very controversial newsletter “Watcher’s from the Shadow and the Light.”
My sons, Jordan and Jonathan
have both been offered contracts from the DNA Modeling Agency in New York. From out of over 2,000 modeling applicants in
DNA’s open call, Jordan and Jonathan were the only two who received contracts.
We are in the process of getting their passports ready as they already
have agents interested in them going to Milan, Italy to model. I am so excited because now that I am not so
consumed with owning an managing a spa and I am now free to travel with my sons
anywhere they are destined to go. What a
freeing feeling! With all of this extra
time on my hands, I can focus more energy on my writing, playing the guitar,
developing my Heartsong Home Healthcare Kits, Yoga classes and, most important
of all, being a “show-up” Grandma to my 12 Grandkids which is the absolute most
blissful place I can be!!
As for my “family
matters.” Now I’m going to get
absolutely real with all of you who
are my true “beloveds” and give you the “naked truth” about all of this. For those of you who do not want to know the
nitty-gritty details, please stop reading
now. But regardless, I could use all
the “prayer power” I can get for what I will be facing on Thursday when our
family goes into family mediation.
Since my Watcher’s Newsletter,
I have sent four more letters to my family and to the lawyers involved in the
court mandated family mediation in order to resolve some of these deep-seated
issues. For those of you who are truly interested in the details—I’ve
attached those letters. This has been a
healing time for all of us as a family—and especially for me personally. I have walked through a lot of my impacted
energy and I have since come to some real
revelations of enlightenment which I’d like to share with you which is
really “the dark side” of all of this.
So get out your “non-judgment” moccasins if you want to walk a mile in
mine.
A lot of this “enlightenment”
has come from conversations with my exceptionally brilliant and enlightened
children—Aubrey, Jared, Deserae, Ariel, and Destiny. Here is what some of them are saying to me
and I am really listening to
them. “Mom, we absolutely love you and
accept you for who you are and your crazy ideas and beliefs. Yes, some of them are quite embarrassing for
us when you are being arrested for “prostitution” and we now have to face our
own family and friends and confess to them that our mother is a “prostitute.” But we can all see the humor in all of this
and so instead of taking it too seriously, we all simply laugh about it. It is good “comic relief” to the melodrama
that you seem to want to create in your life.
We all see your “good intentions” in wanting to help the men who come to
you for “therapy work.” We know you want
to sincerely help them as you see them as “broken” like our Grandfather Thorne
was. But we also see that you are simply
providing a “band-aid” to an underlying problem which can only be solved by a
trained psychologist or sociologist.
Mom, you simply don’t have the tools to “cure them of what ails them”
and you may be making matters worse by having these men become addicted to you
for a “quick fix” from a deep-seated problem.”
Now here comes some of that
“dark family history” I was telling you about earlier, that I think will be
enlightening to those of you who have gone into judgment concerning the therapy
work I do here at Heartsong. My family
was a typical “Mormon family” which went to the extreme on the damage end of
the scale. I guess if you follow it back
to the very beginning, the dysfunction started with my Great-grandfather Thorne
who lived in Pleasant Grove, Utah and owned the local hardware store. It was in the early days of the Mormon Church
when polygamy was legal and a “requirement in order to reach the Celestial
Kingdom.” In wanting to follow all of
the “principles of the Gospel” my Great Grandfather Thorne took on a plural
wife. Because the two wives could not
get along and get past their jealousies and competitiveness (they lived in
their own separate homes on opposite sides of town) my Grandfather, in a
desperate attempt at peace, took his own life one night by drinking a bottle of
drain-cleaner. I believe this set up my
Grandfather Thorne (his son) for his personality type of introverted and
repressive. Attracting the opposite
partner in his life to balance this, he married my grandmother Thorne who was
extroverted and expressive. (I never
knew either of them personally, but I have met others who knew them and have
verified this.) This is the “classic
combination” of parenting which creates the typical homosexual behavior in
offspring. (Note: I’m not judging
homosexuality here—just observing it as a behavior pattern.) I was informed by certain family members that
my Dad and his brother, Harold (who was murdered by a hitch-hiker before I was
born) explored homosexuality at an early age which made my Dad open to it as an
adult. Again, attracting the opposite partner
in his life to balance this “wide open boundary system” which he’d adopted, he
attracted my Mother, who had very, very strict sexual boundaries, almost to the
point of being frigid. (All of this is
in my book, Heartsong, so I won’t get
into all of the details here.)
Anyway, to make a very long,
unpleasant story short, my Dad with all of his sexual frustrations preyed upon
both of my older brothers during his trips out on the road with them. None of us (including my Mom) knew about this
until we had become adults and my brother, Brent, was seeking counseling
because of his inability to have a normal marriage relationship. His counselor told him that he needed to get
this information out to the family for his own personal healing—which he
did—and we all were absolutely shocked by all of it. To this day, because my Mom suffers from
denial and dissociation, she still hasn’t dealt with any of it on a
psychological/spiritual level. That is
why, I believe, all of this is coming up right now for the family to look at,
deal with, and heal—once and for all. My
Mother is 85 and nearing her transition into the “next life” and it is her last
attempt at accountability.
As for my own personal
healing. I feel I am the only one in my
family who has truly forgiven my Dad for what he did to all of us. I did this at a lunch I had with him prior to
his final heart-attack and surgery which took his life. I also forgave him on his death-bed, just
before they pulled the plug on him. I
encouraged all of the rest of the family to do the same—but they chose not
to. I have a deep compassion for men
like my father who suffer from sexual dysfunction. Some of my most painful memories as a child
were going to the hospital and seeing my Mother in extreme pain after she’d
undergone a hysterectomy in her early 40s.
The other painful memory was living with the results of my Dad’s
prostate surgery when he contracted prostate cancer in his 60s. The surgery was one of the few percentages
that left him incontinent and therefore he had to wear a bag with all of the
nasty tubes as his equipment to catch his urine in. Often the tubes would leak or the suction cup
would come loose, causing him to urinate down his pant leg. As a child, I didn’t know why my Dad would
have to stand up and leave church meetings suddenly as he’d suffered an
accident. Dad told me at the end of his
life when I became an adult—that this was his due punishment for his sins—and
he was willing to accept it.
As a therapist, I don’t believe
that this type of pain and suffering needs to continue into the next
generation. That’s why I have become
somewhat of a crusader for the cause of holistic healing—my own and everyone
else’s. I strongly believe we can heal
as individuals, families and as a society—if we only get out of judgment and
truly desire to heal. This morning I
realized during my own cleanse that I may have taken on some “alter egos” of
“Jesse” or “The White Buffalo Women” or “J. Bird” in order to create the
personal strength I need to get me though these very difficult challenges. If these are psychotic behaviors then I wish
to heal me of those right here and right now.
I realize (real eyes) that splits in our psyche prevent us from truly
becoming healed and whole—and so I am taking back all of these “alter-egos” and
blending them into one. I don’t, at this
point in my life, identify with any labels or names which create the illusion
of separateness in my life. I am “the
unnamed” or as Moses called it “I am that I am.” This is not just for me but for everyone who
obtains Gnosis or knowing God for themselves.
It is a very powerful place to be and I recommend it to every living
creature upon the face of this earth.
That information is what I want to share with you in my writings and in
my gift of “Heartsong.”
I apologize if my e-mails are a
bit long and perhaps a bit painful for some.
I will continue with my Heartsong updates and e-mails as I believe there
is an underground listening audience that I’m not fully aware of yet. It would be great if we could all meet
together physically on Sundays in my “Church of the Gathering of What is
Real.” We will continue to hold Church
Celebration each Sunday (unless otherwise notified) with the same format as
before: 10 a.m. Quantum Light Breath, Pot-luck Brunch, Soak in Jacuzzi (yes,
clothing is optional). Thanks for being
a listening ear for my need to express myself.
Many of you have responded that it has also helped you to express
yourself—and that, my Beloveds—is why I keep writing and why I hold space here
in Utah at Heartsong. I do it for my own
healing and for yours. Peace, joy, love
and bliss, always—J. Bird (still naked as a)
P.S. If any of you knows of a
good Constitutional Lawyer who will work for cheap—I am open to one. Presently I have retained the services of a
court-appointed attorney, but I feel a good, competent lawyer would be a better
choice. Please call me at 953-9205 or
e-mail me if you know of one. Thanks
again for all your prayers and support.
They have been most needed and appreciated. Love to all.
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