The
Gift of Grace
3/15/8
Ranelle,
a dear friend of mine, asked me a question one night as we were lying in bed in
our tipi up in Montana. “Janae, what is your understanding of grace?”
I
paused for a moment, and then explained my own understanding of “grace” by
relating to her the familiar “nail in the board” metaphor and how grace comes along and repairs the board
after we’ve done everything in our power to remove the nail we’ve nailed in the
wrong place. She enjoyed the metaphor
and then shared her own understanding of grace.
“Janae,
have you ever struggled with a concept in your mind trying to understand the
deeper meaning of what that concept is trying to teach you?”
“Of
course, I have, Ranelle. You know it!”
“Well, to
me grace is that instant, that subtle
instant, between the knowing and not knowing when all of the sudden it’s
there—and you can grasp it with your mind and understand it. It’s that instant of ‘aha’ when it all comes
together for you and you have a knowledge of that concept. That’s my understanding of grace.”
I
really connected with Ranelle’s description of grace as it reminded me of what
a very enlightened man shared concerning grace at the 1995 Windstar Symposium
I’d attended. In a talk given by Brother
David Steindl-Rast on “Nurturing Our Spiritual Selves” he expressed that:
“Spirituality
rightly understood is aliveness—super
aliveness…It is the Holy Spirit—the life-breath of all of creation. Whenever we are alive on every level, we are
spiritual. And we are fully spiritual
when we are alive on the highest level—in our caring for one another and caring
for this planet.”
Brother
David went on to say that “Religion is an inevitable process of learning to
articulate what spirituality means so that we are able to understand it.
“The understanding is a process
that happens when you so completely give yourself to the word that it takes you
into the silence out of which it comes, and you understand. And when you give yourself so deeply to the
silence and the silence comes to word and you can express it. That round dance—of word into silence and
silence into word—that round dance is understanding. And our understanding of the word is what
makes up religion.” (An excerpt taken
from “The River of Religion” chapter in my book, Becoming One—the Journey Toward God.)
During this past week or so I
had an extraordinary experience which taught me another lesson about grace
which I’d like to share with you.
My first meeting with Steve
(not his real name) was over the phone.
He called me from my massage therapy waiting room asking if I was
available to do a massage—right now! I was a bit irritated as I explained that if
he’d read the instructions on the scheduling sheet that he would see that I
normally book massages 24 hours in advance except on special occasions when I’m
available and the client calls ahead. He
then asked if I was available and I abruptly told him “no”—that I was shopping
at Walmart with my mom and I’d be available tomorrow if there was an opening on
my schedule sheet. Steve then said he
had the schedule sheet right in front of him and that there was an opening at 9:00 in the morning
that he’d like to book. He then asked if
I gave discounts if he booked, say, five massages in two weeks. I thought about it for a moment, wondering
what this guy was about, and then replied that I’d give him the $60 therapeutic
massage for the $50 relaxation price, if he booked and paid for all five
massages in advance. He then said he’d
like to try me out first tomorrow to see if I was good enough to book the other
four. He then said good-bye and I hung
up somewhat disgruntled by his aggressive behaviour.
Tuesday morning, bright and
early at 8:50, Steve was waiting for me in the waiting area before I could even
set up my room. He greeted me with a
hearty handshake and a warm smile.
“Hi, I’m Steve, and I talked
with you yesterday on the phone.”
“Yes, I remember,” I replied a
bit flustered by his good looks, great body and boyish charm. Not quite what I expected living in Yuma with
Mom in a 55 or older retirement community where I was accustomed to massaging
frail seniors with varying aches and pains.
“This should be interesting,” I
said to myself as I turned on the heating pad on my massage table and pointed
Steve in the direction of the changing cubby to start getting undressed.
I left the room as Steve
climbed onto the table and waited patiently outside the door for the verbal
“ready”.
As I began with my usual
routine of massaging the scalp while inquiring information from my first-time
clients, Steve seemed to relax under his cropped scalp.
“So what brings you to
Yuma?” I began. “It’s not often I massage anyone younger than
sixty. I must admit it’s a pleasant
change,” I remarked as I undraped Steve’s toned back.
Steve shared that he and his
wife, Angela, had both turned 55 this year and were staying in Angela’s
father’s motor home for two weeks at Sun Vista.
That they were both successful Optometrists from Michigan and hadn’t
enjoyed a vacation for years. They
decided to take a break from their busy schedule and the frigid Michigan winter
(it was 10 below zero when they’d left) and enjoy some Arizona sun. Steve then went on to “witness Christ” to me
and tell me about some of his “born-again” experiences as the coach of his high
school wrestling team and also some patients he’d witnessed to. He then asked me if I’d received Christ in my
life, which I quickly answered, “Absolutely.”
He then asked how I knew I was saved.
Not knowing it was a “trick” question, I answered almost automatically
that I always tried to live the first two commandments: to love God with all my
heart, might, mind and strength and to love my neighbor as myself. I said all the other commandments hung on
those two.
Steve replied that he thought
my answer was good, but his answer to
the question was that because he knew he
was a wretched sinner and that the only way he knew he was saved was through the blood of Jesus Christ. He then asked if I’d come to realize that I
was a sinner and needed saving.
I thought about it for a moment
and then replied, “Of course. We all
sin—or miss the mark—each and every day and so we need the atonement or
at-one-ment to get us back in alignment with God. My own definition of sin is ‘separation within’
where we become separated within ourselves from God. When we come into the Christ consciousness
then we can repent or ‘turn around from our sins’ and become one with God
again. This is where we begin to feel
unconditional love for everyone.”
Steve seemed to be satisfied
with my reply and then relaxed silently into the massage. At half past 9 I turned him onto his back and
dimmed the lights. In the low lighting I
could feel ourselves attracting each other’s glances as the energy in the room
seemed electrically charged. I caught
him several times staring into my eyes as I worked his muscular arms and
pecs. He said he’d been working out in
the fitness center and was trying to work on his core muscles and gluts as he’d
suffered two herniated discs at L-4 and L-5.
His doctor had recommended exercise and massage to avoid surgery. I’d worked on his gluts and remarked that he
was doing a “fine job on his gluts.” He
was glad that I did “glut work” as most massage therapists neglected this area
of the body. I told him it was valuable
work especially for lower back injuries.
I then mentioned that there was a great lower back stretch I could do
from the front if he’d let me work on his abs.
He said “great” and so I lowered the sheet to expose his rippling
abs. I rubbed oil onto his stomach and
chest area as I thought, “It doesn’t get much better than this.” He enjoyed the back stretches as I leaned
over—my chest nearly touching his.
He couldn’t help noticing my
breasts and for the remainder of the massage I could sense a desire to reach
out and touch them. As I finished up
with my famous neck work, he was verbally sighing his contentment. As I began re-draping his arms, to both of
our surprise, Steve reached up and grabbed my neck and pulled me onto his chest
for a hug. “That was the most amazing
massage I’ve ever had in my life.
Thank-you for the blessing,” he whispered in my ear.
“I’m glad you enjoyed it,” I
whispered back with a reciprocal hug. I
smiled as I left the room to allow him to dress.
After Steve dressed, he invited
me to come back into the room. My next
client was waiting for me but I complied.
He closed the door and then asked nonchalantly if he could touch my
breast. He said he’d been so absorbed by
my sexual energy that he’d had a hard time relaxing into the massage and all he
could think about was touching my breast.
I then grabbed his hand and placed it on top of my right breast. “I don’t see why not,” I replied
nonchalantly.
He didn’t grope or squeeze—just
closed his eyes and enjoyed the sexual energy existing between us. It was one of those incredible “magical
moments” and I wondered where this was all leading to.
As I ushered him out to the
waiting room, Steve grabbed me for another hug and gave me what I later came to
know as a “holy kiss.” My next client,
I’m sure, was as startled as I was. But
I admit it warmed my spirit for the entire day.
Steve then booked four more
massages starting Thursday at 11:00 and continuing into the next week. I could tell it was going to be an
interesting two weeks.
Early Thursday morning, Steve
called to change his appointment from 11:00 to 10:00. He wanted some time to “talk.” I was a bit curious and anxious as I finished
up my earlier 9:00 appointment. My heart
skipped a beat as I heard the sliding door to the waiting room at 5 ‘til 10
open, indicating Steve had arrived.
After my 9:00 client left, Steve grabbed my hand and led me into the
massage room and closed the door. He
first planted a “holy kiss” on my lips and then patted the massage table as he
sat down indicating we needed to have some “table talk.”
This time neither of us avoided
eye contact. I stared into Steve’s eyes
and felt his pain as he shared with me the struggle he’d been going through the
previous night before. All night long
he’d been “wrestling with the Lord asking Him for forgiveness for his lustful
thoughts towards me.” I was deeply
touched by his remorse for his indiscretions in asking to touch my breast. And I didn’t discount his sincere apology by
telling him that I wasn’t offended in the least—to the contrary—I probably
enjoyed it as much as he did. But his
sudden “spark of consciousness” actually moved me to tears as I shared with him
the struggle I’d been going through recently with my husband, Brad.
Steve held both of my hands as
my heart spilled out the saga between Brad and me. Of how Brad, had engaged in a relationship
without prior consent in spite of us being in agreement about our seemingly
“open” relationship. Given our
situation of being a thousand miles apart for the entire winter, if he’d
discussed the matter openly, I’d probably given my consent for him to have sex
with someone else—if he’d only asked. It
wasn’t his having sex with another woman that had ripped my heart out. It was the fact that he’d kept it secret for
over a month and had lied to me about it several times which had broken my
heart and destroyed all trust in him. It
was the same type of thing which had destroyed my previous polygamous
relationship with Kurt and Christy which lasted nearly seven years. I questioned how Brad and I would ever get
back to the trusting, open relationship which we’d developed over the past
eight years of marriage. But what really
baffled me was that Brad had been so critical and judgmental of this type of
“bad behavior” among our “polyamorous” friends.
He even had the reputation of terrorizing any man who tried to get close
to me, even simply to be “friends.”
Steve couldn’t even begin to
fathom what a “polyamorous” lifestyle involved, but he said that I deserved a
man—whether it was Brad or someone else—to love me, and me alone, completely and unequivocally. That I was one of the most beautiful and
talented women he’d ever met and I deserved the very best.
Steve held me in his arms as I
tearfully admitted that I admired a God-fearing man like him with such a high
sense of integrity. And I realized at
that moment it was this type of old-fashioned “consciousness” that I wanted in
my marriage relationship rather than what many of my friends and Brad
considered “higher consciousness.”
As Steve lay on the massage
table and I massaged him, he shared with me how he’d “walked on the wild side”
most of his married life which caused a lot of heartache in their
marriage. It wasn’t until he found Christ
and had dedicated his life to serving the Lord, that he’d found peace. I told him that I dedicated myself each and
every day to serving the Lord and that I knew that He was my own personal
Savior.
Steve then shared how his wife
and he had gone to church group marriage counseling and that the pastor had
given them this wonderful analogy. He
said the pastor had placed a rock in the middle of the room and then asked the
women in the room to think of all the many uses for the rock. The women came up with such things as using
it as a decoration in the garden or on a bookshelf, or as an interesting
paperweight. Then he asked the men in
the room to do the same thing; whereas the men came up with things such as
throwing it at the neighbor’s dog to scare it away, or using it as a weapon to
kill someone, or using it to pound in a nail.
What the exercise really brought home to all of them was how differently
the male and female minds work. And that
both partners need to learn to sit on each other’s “side of the rock” in order
to understand each other.
That weekend I shared with Brad
my experiences with Steve and told him I was through trying to dissuade him
from his continued pursuit of his relationship with Nicole (not her real
name). I felt they both continued having
an “adulterous spirit” and that neither of them truly cared about my feelings nor were actually sorry for the pain they’d caused me.
I knew any affection for Brad was dying inside me as my heart was
continually breaking from his insistence in calling “her” and going over to
“her” house every time she needed help.
I told Brad I couldn’t bear the thoughts of their past, present or
future sexual activities, even though they’d both agreed to end that part of
the relationship; yet they still wanted to remain “friends.” But I felt they still wanted to keep the
“romantic” part of the relationship alive in spite of my feelings. And Nicole wasn’t attempting in any way to
contact me and include me in the relationship by calling or e-mailing me to
find out how I felt about any of
it.
By Sunday evening, after
fasting and praying all day long, I felt I’d come to the obvious
conclusion. I called Brad and in tears
told him I was ready for a divorce and that he needed to move out of Mom’s
house before I came home in two weeks. I
simply couldn’t deal with his
feelings of wanting to still remain “friends” with someone I considered my
“rival” and I couldn’t deal with my
feelings of their constant betrayals. I
needed to put separation and distance between me and the two of them in order
for me to heal from the damage they’d caused.
I hung up as I burst into sobs.
Monday morning I was anxious
for Steve’s 11:00 appointment and our “holy kiss.” Steve and his wife, Angela, had attended my
Saturday morning Kundalini yoga class and I’d noticed how both of
them—particularly Steve—were extremely tight in their hip joints. I was going to suggest to Steve that we do a
bit of focused work on his hip adductors and joints. Before I even had the words out of my mouth,
Steve remarked that I’d actually read his mind.
He was just going to suggest that.
After our now familiar hug and
kiss, I had Steve face down on the table and sharing about my weekend. I told him that I’d thought about what he’d
said about how I deserved someone who loved and honored only me and that I had told Brad that I wanted a divorce. I didn’t know how everything would turn out
as I knew I still loved him and part of me still wanted to work things
out. But I knew I just couldn’t go back
to “sharing my husband” with another woman in an unworkable, imbalanced
threesome. That was another reason why
I’d left my first polygamous relationship.
After I turned Steve over, he
grabbed a hold of my hand and asked me to describe in detail when I’d been
“born again in Christ.” My mind went
back to the first time I remember having turned my life completely over to
Christ. It was early on in my marriage
to Kurt when I’d learned about my dad being homosexual and raping my two older
brothers. I’d gone through the familiar
cycle of denial, depression and anger. I
ended up outraged at my father for the damage he’d created in my brothers and
the rest of the family. My mother, who
still lives her life in total denial, to this day doesn’t even comprehend the
implications of his “deviant behavior.”
I blamed her for her part in
all of it as I felt her frigid outlook on sex had forced him into this
perversion. That and her LDS religion
which she still wears as her “banner of faith” which prevents her from becoming
“real” with anyone and absent from the obvious abuses my brothers
suffered. I had a difficult time
forgiving all of it then—until I learned to surrender it all to God. It was then that I felt God fill my heart
with the gift of grace and began to realize His overflowing, unconditional love
for all of us. And I was able to forgive
my dad. It was a powerful experience for
me and from then on I saw all of life as a gift of grace from God.
But my real “born again”
experience didn’t happen until years later when I attended an Aiki week at a
place called Windstar near Aspen, Colorado.
I felt an actual “burning of my bosom” experience when I first stepped
foot on the Windstar property. It was
then that I experienced the “mighty change” or a total shift of consciousness
as I came to understand “the spirit of law” rather than the “letter of the law”
which I’d been beating everyone over the head with. The highlight of the week was when we all
stripped off our clothes (except Kurt and me) and did a group massage. My heart was so “on fire” that those who
massaged my heart area remarked about the tangible warmth coming from it. And from then on my life became like a script
to a surreal play—everything just seemed to synchronize as if planned by a
Divine source.
“The letter of the law killeth,
while the spirit of the law bringeth life” I quoted to Steve as I undraped his
right leg, bent it and laid it onto my lap.
My hip adductor stretches included getting my forearm and hands “in
close and personal” to Steve’s groin area.
As I massaged his inner thighs I noticed the usual “pup tent” as Steve
got an erection. I sensed his concern
and politely remarked, “Relax, it’s normal when I work this area on men.”
After the massage, Steve got
dressed and I came back into the room to check how he was doing.
“Wow, I can’t believe what a
difference in my hips. I feel so much
looser in my lower back and any sign of pain from the herniated disk is
completely gone. You are amazing.”
I was delighted by “our”
success and I was rewarded with another hug and “holy kiss.” “So what’s an ‘unholy kiss,’” I teased as
Steve left the room.
Brad called that evening, and I
was filled with my usual “mixed emotions” as he spoke.
“I’m so glad you’re willing to
talk with me as I just wanted to let you know how much I truly do love you and I’m willing to do anything to save our marriage.
If my friendship with Nicole is causing you that much pain then I’m willing to give that up completely. I don’t need anyone in my life but you as I realize you are the only one who really matters to me. Life would be meaningless without you. Everything else is just fluff.”
I could tell by the emotion in
Brad’s voice that he truly meant what he was saying. I wanted so much to believe him—and believe
in him again. But I knew it would be a
long, hard road back to where our relationship had once been. Yet I knew if I didn’t give him one more chance, that I’d just recycle
the same pattern in a future relationship.
I knew I needed to learn the lessons I needed to learn this time around
so I wouldn’t have to repeat them again.
We talked for over an hour
about how we were both going to recommit ourselves to a “monogamous”
relationship as we recognized that the way we’d done polyamory in the past
hadn’t worked. I believed we needed some
sort of “roadmap” to safely maneuver this uncharted territory. I was excited that I’d just finished editing
my book, Becoming One—The Journey Toward
God, which was a book I’d written ten years ago while I was in the thick of
polygamy with Kurt and Christy. It was
as if I’d written the book to myself from myself—ten years earlier. I was amazed by my spiritual insights into
unconditional love—and the power of forgiveness. One of the things that had prevented Kurt,
Christy and I from moving forward in our relationship was my unwillingness to
forgive them for their deceptive indiscretions in our relationship. Again, it was the betrayals and the
dishonesty which had torn us apart and forced me to leave. That and the inequality between men and women
in traditional “Mormon” polygamy.
Steve had booked an additional
half-hour massage the following day at 4:00 as a follow-up to the hip therapy
I’d done the day before. It was my last
massage of the day and I’d done 5 massages before him so when it came time for
his massage—I was totally exhausted. My
back ached and all I could think about was getting a massage myself. When Steve arrived, I ventured if he’d be
willing to massage my back for a half an hour in trade for his half-hour
session. He’d already offered to give me
a massage the previous week, but I didn’t take him serious. But he could tell I was in pain and said he’d
“be glad to.” I told him I’d work on him
first so that I could really relax during “my massage.”
I left the room while Steve
hopped on the table face up and I began working on his inner thighs. Steve inquired how things were going with
Brad. I told him that he’d had a
“wake-up call” when he realized I was serious about getting a divorce. That he sincerely wanted to “work things out
as he didn’t want to lose me.” Steve
said he didn’t blame him and he couldn’t understand why he was so stupid in the
first place. He reaffirmed that I really
deserved a man who could truly appreciate who I was.
I then told him that I felt
Brad and I had a “karmic relationship” and that no matter what we did to each
other or how we hurt each other, we still wanted to “stay in the
conversation.” I then told him our
incredible love story about how we’d gotten together—for the third time.
We’d been married for over four
years when we drove past an old restaurant called the “Italian Village.” Almost simultaneously we both said, “I
remember eating there on a date.” It was
dinnertime, so we turned the car around and decided to stop and eat. We secured the same booth that we both
remember sitting at on our “date.” We
both ordered lasagna and as we sat waiting for our food a strange sense of
“de-ja-vu” struck us as we both started describing our dates—both being our
very first dates.
We both remembered going on a
Seminary Computer Date when we were sophomores in high school. It was an annual city-wide LDS Seminary event
where students from all the high schools in the city would fill out long
questionnaires about their own characteristics and attributes and also about
their “perfect date.” They were then
matched up in a computer. It was
probably one of the first “computer dating services” in our day and so it was
exciting to see who you got matched up with.
As Brad and I sat across the
table from each other reminiscing about our computer dates—his was from
Highland High, mine was from Olympus—a sense of stark revelation came over us
at nearly the same time.
“Oh,
my God!” I exclaimed. “You were my computer date!”
Brad stared back
dumbfounded. “You know—I think you’re
right!” He confirmed.
I then described the two-toned
station wagon he’d driven up in and his best friend and his computer date. I also remember Brad’s eyes—in fact I
couldn’t forget them. They were the
deepest, bluest eyes I’d ever looked into and I remember falling in love with
them that very first night.
After the initial astonishment
at this newfound revelation, I couldn’t help responding with, “Well, I know
you’re slow at everything you do, Hun, but how come it took you 30 years to call me back after our first
date?” I joked. “I’d had a great time at the dance and I
even remember praying that night on
my knees that you would call me back.”
“Well, if I remember correctly”
Brad replied. “That you actually had us
say a prayer—out loud—over the food in the restaurant. And then all you could do all night long was
preach to me out of the scriptures.”
It was all coming back to
me. I was the captain of our scripture
chase team that year in Seminary and I’m sure I spent most of my time quoting
scriptures. And the blessing on the
food—yea, that would be me as my mother always had us say a blessing on our
food before we ate it. I didn’t dare
take a bite of anything unless it was
blessed!
Steve laughed at my story and
was truly amazed. “I guess God answers all prayers—even if He is a little slow
about it. But you said that was the third time you and Brad met. When was the other time?”
“Oh you’ll love this one,” I
said. “Brad was in my ballet class when
I was about twelve years old. He was one
of the two boys in my class—one was gay, but Brad was one of those ‘all
American boys.’ I remember having a
conversation with him after class as to why he was taking ballet. He told me his mother forced him take ballet
if he was going to play football. She
said it would help his ‘coordination.’”
“Good for her,” Steve
commented, as my forearm slid down his inner thigh and gently landed next to
his groin. Again the sheet rose
indicating an erection. Part of me
wanted to take a peek, but my licensed professionalism prevented any further
investigation. Steve noticeably changed
the subject.
“My story of how I met Angela
isn’t near as incredible as yours—but it is kinda sweet. We were both going to Optometrist School—she
was a year ahead of me. She was a real
cutie pie with an incredible ass. One of
my friends said I should ask her out but she was dating someone else. Pete had a chemistry lab with her so he said
he’d talk to her to see if she was interested in dating anyone else. He then told me that she’d love to go out
with me—so I asked her out. Years
later—after we were married—I told her that if it hadn’t been for Pete asking
her if she wanted to date me, I never would have asked her out. She just stared at me and asked, ‘Who’s
Pete?’”
I laughed and then asked if
Steve wanted me to do his abs and back stretches from the front again. “Absolutely,” he responded eagerly.
I dropped the sheet to below
his navel and began what I call my “Hara” work.
I told him that the Hara was a huge emotional center where we store some
of our deepest emotions. Most people
don’t like this area worked as it can bring up some deep emotional
releases. That and most people are embarrassed
by their flabby stomachs.
But Steve’s stomach was a
pleasure to work on and I could tell he really appreciated the back stretches
which helped to relieve pressure in his lower back. He said whatever I was doing was really
helping and he appreciated my spending the extra time on him. After a few neck releases I told Steve I’d
turn my head as he got off the table to dress.
I grabbed a fresh pair of sheets in the cabinet and changed the table
while Steve got dressed behind the half-wall in the changing cubby. I then told him to turn his head while I
slipped off my shirt and bra and hung them on a nearby hook. I slipped under the top sheet as Steve walked
over to the massage table to start.
“Well, I’ll do my best, but
it’s certainly going to be an amateur event,” Steve remarked. “After your massage—I guess I’m a little intimidated.”
“Oh anything will feel good at
this point. Just do your best and go as
deep as you’d like. I like a lot of
pressure.”
Steve’s hands felt good on my
tired back, and even though I longed for a “real massage,” I knew I’d have to
wait a week or so until Brad could get his hands on me. At about 10 til 5, Steve ran out of steam and
massage moves. I sighed my appreciation
and asked Steve to hand me my shirt and bra hanging on the nearby hook. I expected Steve to turn his head as I sat up
to dress, but instead he stared directly at my naked breasts. I jumped off the table and gave him a
bare-chested hug and whispered, “You’ve been wanting to see those all week,
haven’t you?”
“You better believe it,” he
whispered back as he hugged me close. I
then quickly dressed to avoid taking it any further. “Your wife’s probably wondering where you’re
at,” I reminded him. As Steve walked out
of the door he grabbed one of my massage menus with a picture of a naked fairy
highlighting my Nu Yu Ten Commandments.
“These need to go if you’re
serious about your Christian ministry,” he remarked and set it back on the
table.
“Maybe you should take one home
and read it.” I replied as I grabbed it again and pointed to Nu Yu Commandment
number 6. “This one you might want to
consider: Thou shall express emotions freely.
If something comes up for you—express it openly and freely. But don’t step on everyone’s toes in the
process or they may have some pent-up emotions that may come back on you. Learn to do the dance of energy in motion—and
learn to do it gracefully.”
Steve’s last scheduled massage
was at 11:00 the following day. I was
experiencing a middle-of-the-week-slump after my first two massages and was
looking forward to Steve as a “pick-me-up.”
When Steve arrived, he seemed a
bit distraught and instead of the usual “holy kiss greeting” he immediately
grabbed my hands and sat down with me on the massage table for a “table talk.”
“Janae, I need you to listen to
me from ‘my side of the rock.’” I sensed
he was referring to his marriage counseling story. “Last night I went out to dinner with Angela
and told her that I’ve been way too involved in my infatuation with you and
neglecting my ministry. I’ve been so
distracted with your sexual energy that I’ve missed out on so many
opportunities to witness Christ to numerous people on our vacation. I’ve really let myself and the Lord down—not
to mention Angela.”
I could tell he was sincere and
I wondered why the Holy Spirit was now downloading what I needed to say to
Steve on “my side of the rock.”
“Steve, I want you to consider
what I have to say on my side of the rock,” I began looking
deeply into his eyes. “Maybe your time
spent with me has been your ministry.
You’ve really helped me to see things differently. But one thing you need to know—sexual energy
isn’t a ‘bad’ thing and you should never feel guilty about it. Otherwise you would feel it was sick and
wrong every time you made love to you lovely wife, Angela. I want you to know that I respect your
marriage contract and would never do anything to violate the agreements you’ve
made with your wife. You have my promise
on that. But there is nowhere in the
Bible where it talks about it being a sin to have more than one wife—or
husband—or lover, for that matter. It
also never says anything in the Bible about it being a sin to be naked. In fact some of the greatest prophets in the
Old Testament were polygamists and preached naked in the streets. And in the Gospel of Thomas from the Nag
Hammadi Scrolls, the disciples ask Christ when He will appear to them
again? And you know what He said? ‘When you strip off your clothes without
being ashamed, and you take your clothes and put them under your feet like
little children and trample them, then you will see the son of the living one
and you will not be afraid.’
“Thomas also preached the
gospel of ‘living in the present moment and of being true to yourself.’ But these precious gems of truth were left
out of the canonized scriptures by a group of men at the Nicean counsel when
they all voted on which scriptures to include in the Bible. Did you know there was not one woman present at that counsel and that is why we don’t have
the books of Thomas or Phillip or Mary Magdelene or Sophia. Because they taught about a “different” Christ
who wasn’t celibate but actually had ‘special relationships’ with women which
Peter and some of the other disciples were jealous over.”
“Wait a minute, Janae—just stop
right there,” Steve interjected. “I
really don’t have time to go into all of this with you. I have a simple mind and I just like to keep
with the ‘standard works.’ I realize
you’ve done a lot more study along these lines than me but my mind just won’t
go there right now.”
“Okay, then let’s look at it
another way—the body never lies. As a
therapist if I were to do an energy assessment on you, I would tell you that
because of your lower back issues you are probably holding back or suppressing
energy in your sexual energy center or chakra.
Any emotion or “energy in motion” which is not being expressed is being
suppressed or blocked. Your energy, in
other words, is being blocked in your lower back causing pain and distress
because you are unwilling to express it.”
“But wait a minute, Janae. I have great
sex with my wife, Angela. And as you
can tell I have no problem ‘getting it up.’”
“I’m not talking about ‘sex’
necessarily. I’m talking about your
being attracted to other women besides Angela.
You are so afraid to express any feelings about someone other than your
wife that you label those feelings ‘lustful’ and then try to control them. But in reality they are controlling you
rather than you controlling them. Do you
want to know my definition of ‘lust?’ It
is love that hasn’t been expressed and turns to rust. And according to your standard works ‘God is
love’ and all love is of God. I don’t care what kind of label you try to
put on it—it’s still love. So stop
trying to suppress those loving feelings you have towards other
people—especially women.”
“Well, Paul teaches that there
are three types of love—eros, agape
and. . .well, I forgot the other type of love.
I have eros love for my wife
and agape love for you—and I want to
keep it that way. I guess that’s where
I’ve gotten myself in trouble—defining the type of love I have for you. I always want to see you as “my sister in
Christ” and not let it get confused with the other type of love.”
I could tell it was pointless
to go on with the discussion so I left the room and allowed Steve to get
undressed. When I entered he was on the
table face down. I then whispered in his
ear as I rubbed his stubby scalp that this was his last massage and he could
have anything he desired—including a “clothing optional massage.” Steve raised his head off of the head rest
and said, “Promise me you’ll never let
me ask for one of those.”
Silence filled the room as we
let the erotic energy speak the feelings between us. But then Steve spoke, “Janae, you’ve ruined
me for any other massage therapist. You
know any other massage will pale in comparison to yours.”
“Well, I guess you’re just
going to have to send me a plane ticket to Michigan when you get desperate for
a ‘good’ massage. I hear Lake Michigan
has some great water-skiing on it.”
We both laughed as one of
Steve’s goals was to get back into shape for water-skiing season as it was one
of his “passions.” I reminisced about my
High School days water-skiing on Lake Powell—and more recently our “family of
friends” gatherings on Lake Powell where we’d find a secluded sandbar and go
naked for a week. I’d already invited
Steve to come with us this next fall—but he didn’t think he nor Angela were
ready for that. I turned Steve onto his back and got another
“rise” out of him when I did his inner thighs.
As I was massaging his right hand he squeezed mine and said, “You know
what the definition of grace is Janae?”
He didn’t wait for a reply.
“Grace is when you receive a gift you don’t deserve. And you know what the definition of mercy
is? When you don’t receive a punishment you do
deserve. Those are my definitions of
grace and mercy.”
“Then I guess you’re receiving
a gift of grace right now,” I mumbled more to myself as I looked at the clock
registering half-past twelve—well into my lunch hour.
“What was that?” asked Steve as
I twizzled his ears.
“Never mind—it wasn’t
important. You just enjoy the rest of
your massage.”
The next day Steve asked if he
could book just one more half-hour massage on Friday before they left to go
home on Saturday. I told him I had one
appointment left at 11:00 as I was booked to receive a massage on Friday
afternoon from Will. Will traded me
massage for Watsu. Steve looked a bit
jealous—especially when I told him I did it buck-naked. (I loved teasing him.)
And then Thursday night I
received my own “gift of grace” as I got one of those “aha” moments that
Ranelle and I had talked about years earlier as her definition of “grace.” I really got it.
That morning I copied off some
of my articles on the ionized/alkaline water that Steve had been drinking each
day he was there. (I’d been generously
supplying him with a gallon a day.) I
also copied him off my “Church of the Hot Springs” Newsletter which gave
directions to Diamond Fork Hot Springs where we held our “Church of the
Gathering of What is Real” meetings in case he was ever in Utah on a
Sunday. It also included an introduction
to my ministry and some quotes from
the Gospel of Thomas.
When Steve arrived at 11:00, I
grabbed his hands and sat him down for our “table talk.” But Steve insisted on our holy kiss and hug
first.
“Steve, I want you to know
about the ‘gift of grace’ you’ve given me this past week or so,” I began, and
then I felt myself start to choke up.
“As you know I’ve had a hard
time forgiving Brad for what I’ve felt were his indiscretions towards me. But I’ve realized after getting to know you
and the feelings that I’ve had coming up towards you—that I can see how easily
it would have been for us to slip into a sexual space with each other if you
were single and I was sincerely in an “open” relationship. Realizing this about myself has truly opened
up my heart to completely forgive Brad for what he’s done. I also realize that God has brought you into
my life so that I could receive this ‘gift of grace’ from Him.”
I broke down into tears and
Steve cradled my head against his chest and held me tenderly. No words could speak the unspoken love
between us. I reached my arms around
Steve and we just held each other tight for what seemed an eternity.
“Well, I guess we’d better get
on with your massage so I can go have lunch,” I said after the “energy in
motion” had subsided.
After the massage I handed
Steve the papers I’d prepared for him and his daily gallon of water. He smiled and thanked me over and over again
for my “gifts of grace” to him. Then he
handed me a book entitled, The Purpose
Driven Life by Rick Warren and asked me to accept the 40-day challenge
offered in the book. “I promise it will
change your life, Janae. It did mine.”
He then opened the front cover
to let me read the dedication: Janae, Thank you so much, I thank you, my back
thanks you, my neck thanks you, my disc thanks you God Bless, Steve Romans 10:9&10. “You can look the scripture up later after you
get home.”
I wanted to give Steve an
“unholy kiss” and a hug at that point, but I settled for one final holy kiss
and hug goodbye. After he left the
waiting room I glanced over at my wall-hanging centered in a group of three art
pieces entitled “God is Love.”
God
is Love
And now
these three remain: faith, hope and love.
But the
greatest of these is love.
1
Corinthians 13:13
Love
thy neighbor as yourself.
Galatians
5:14
The
great acts of love are done by those who are
habitually
performing small acts of kindness.
American
Proverb
Whoever
does not love does not know God,
because
God is love.
1 John
4:8
A
friend loves at all times…
Proverbs
17:17
Our
Lord does not care so much for the importance
of our
works as for the love with which they are done.
Teresa
of Avila
Love
does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth.
It
always protects, always trusts, always hopes,
always
perseveres. Love never fails.
1
Corinthians 13:6-8
No man
has seen God; but if we love one another,
God
lives in us and his love is made complete in us.
1 John
4:12
A small
love forgives little, a great love forgives much,
and a
perfect love forgives all.
American
Proverb
My
flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the
strength
of my heart and my portion forever.
Psalms
73:26
I must confess I didn’t look up
the scriptural reference Steve gave me in the book until just now. It reads:
That if thou shalt confess with they mouth
the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from
the dead, thou shalt be saved.
For with the heart man believeth unto
righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.
And so in conclusion of this
Heartsong Newsletter, I confess with my mouth, my heart and my pen that Jesus
Christ suffered on the cross for our sins and was raised from the dead as an
infinite “gift of grace” to all mankind.
Please accept this free gift of salvation, repenting of your sins and
taking upon yourself the at-one-ment or atonement of Christ. This is my Easter wish for all of you. (This may not get to you until after Easter
and I get back to Salt Lake from Yuma and can e-mail it to all my
beloveds.) Much love, peace, joy…and
grace to all of you—Janae
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