The
Rapture
10/15/12
Rapture:
1)
an expression or manifestation of ecstasy or passion 2) a state or experience
of being carried away by overwhelming emotion 3) a mystical experience in which
the spirit is exalted to a knowledge of divine things 4) often capitalized: the final assumption of Christians into heaven
during the end time according to Christian theology
Admittedly…its 3:50 a.m. on a
Monday morning and for the past 50 minutes I’ve been arguing with “the Spirit”
nudging me to write this Heartsong Newsletter. Yeah, I know, it’s been awhile since I’ve
written so I guess it’s about time I caught everyone up on my whereabouts.
Well, if you haven’t guessed by
now…I no longer reside in Utah…in fact the last newsletter I sent out to
everyone entitled None Dare Call It
Conspiracy was on Easter Sunday when I was in Maui (dancing naked on Little
Beach, no doubt ;-). Well, since then
I’ve moved back to Montana and have been living with my daughter, Deserae, her
husband, Ryan, and my two adorable grandchildren, Emalee and Fisher. What fun we’ve all been having together! I’ve gotten “back on the horse” and have
developed a thriving massage business here in Missoula out of a back room at
Deserae’s Jules
Talent/Modeling/Photography Agency.
And, yes, I am keeping my nose
clean and trying to keep out of
trouble (right ;-). Deserae’s helping me a lot with that as I’ve hired her as my “Personal
Assistant” who books all of my appointments and is building my website:
holyvortexfoundation.net. Go to it and
see for yourself!
Anyway, this newsletter came
out of my efforts to compile all of my past Heartsong
Newsletters and make them available to everyone in the MEDIA section of my website. I’m ready to upload Heartsong Newsletters Volume Two today. So this past Saturday, when I was editing all
of my Volume Two newsletters, I came
across a Volume One newsletter that
had “slipped through the cracks” so to speak.
It was a short one but it piqued my interest as I’d had a lot of
so-called “synchronicities” the previous week that had called my attention to
it. I’ll share it below:
2012
Wake-up Call
3/16/2010
I have a confession to
make. I’m a sucker for those 2012
disaster movies shown on the big screen and now making their way into my
favorite Blockbusters. Recently, I’ve seen Meteor Apocalypse, Lost City Raiders, F-4 Vortex, and The End is Here—Polar Storm (which is
probably the most accurate)—each one has a new twist (or twister) on how the
world is coming to an end in 2012. I
know it’s all fear-based. So….what do we
do that isn’t fear-based? We eat ‘cause we’re afraid we’ll starve to
death. We build houses to protect us
from the fear of the elements (you should live in a teepee sometime). We clothe ourselves for fear of being
arrested for indecent exposure (ya think?).
We stay in unhappy relationships for fear of hurting another’s
feelings—or more realistically—having everything we’ve worked for all of our
lives taken away in a divorce. We go to
church on Sunday for fear of being “damned to hell” if we don’t. We work at a job we hate for fear of what
others might think if we “just quit and did what we want in life.” Fear…fear…fear…it’s all fear-based
mentality.
Well, last night I watched a
real doozey of a B-grade 2012 disaster movie called 2012—Supernova by my favorite film producer (not) Asylum.
Okay, it was cheesy enough with all of the (not so) special effects of
earthquakes, asteroids, twisters, lightning storms, EMF pulses, etc. etc.—I
mean it had it all. But this movie’s big disaster was a Supernova that was destined to wipe out the
entire planet which was averted (BTW) by a group of scientists exploding
nuclear warheads outside of the earth’s gravitational magnetic atmosphere (or
something like that) in order to shield the earth from “the finger of God” (it
worked, of course). I went to bed last
night “shaken up” by the images of earthquakes, tornadoes, lightning storms,
and the like messing with my mind. I
took a few minutes to meditate and connect with my higher self in order to
delete these images from my mind. But
then the thoughts came to me in questions, “So, God, what if this is truly going to happen? What if we only have two and a half years to prepare ourselves for the inevitable? What would I be doing differently in order to prepare myself for this type of disaster (heaven only knows what it will
look like)? And, as always, I gave it to
God for answers as I dozed off to sleep.
This morning I had court at
8:30 a.m.—my first preliminary hearing concerning my case of “indecent
exposure.” I was late because of
daylight savings (now there’s an excuse), but it was short and sweet. My court-appointed attorney, a young,
attractive Asian gal named Tonia Hashimoto, advised me not to take the plea bargain of “sexual solicitation” and continue
to plead “not guilty.” She then
scheduled another preliminary hearing for June 7 so she could get the
transcripts from my Holladay court hearing and also do some personal
research.
“Great,” I told myself as I
walked out of court to check the parking meter which still had an hour of time
left on it. Now what? What do I do in the meantime with Heartsong? I can’t do business without a business or
massage license (legitimately anyway) and I promised the landlord I wouldn’t do
anything “illegitimate” like turn it into a God-forbid—“Free Church.” When I got home Brad was still there
wondering if he wanted to go to work or wait for me. He’d just plugged in a DVD he’d bought at Blockbusters the night before called A Guide for the Married Man starring
Walter Matthau. We both had a good laugh
at what outrageous extremes men go to in order to have “an affair.” Then Brad got a call from our landlord, Bob.
Bob had a sudden “change of
heart” and wanted us out of the place in two weeks. “What?!” I exclaimed. “Why has he suddenly reneged on the deal to
let us stay here until he could find another tenant to pay three grand a
month?” I was astonished. With the current economy he should be glad
that he had any tenants to pay
$500/month plus all the utilities. I was
still hopeful, too, that everything would be dismissed in court and I could
continue with “business as usual” at Heartsong. Bob had agreed to let us “stay on” until all
of this was cleared up or until he could find someone else to take over the
lease. So now I couldn’t believe what I
was hearing.
“Well, Bob thinks you’re still
doing your “Member’s Massages” here, and I suppose the only way he can
guarantee that that doesn’t happen is
to kick us out,” Brad informed me matter-of-factly. I was dumbfounded. Not only had I stopped my exclusive “Member’s
Only Services” the day I was arrested, but I had stopped all massage altogether. I
didn’t want to implicate anyone else in this whole mess—and yes, it had cost me
a lot of income. I told Brad that I
wasn’t willing to leave Heartsong
without a fight—as I had pretty much put my life-blood into it—not to mention
over $25,000. I was not going to be forced out of my home, business, and sanctuary
without a fight…come what may. Brad and
I wrangled over the idea for a solid hour.
We had honed our fighting skills to the degree that each of us was now
listening and responding to each other rather than shouting and reacting. But Brad realized that I had a lot of
“emotion” invested in all of this and needed to express my feelings. He was patient with me—as always.
Suddenly, the thought came to
me like a light bulb turned on in my head.
“You asked me last night about what I would be doing differently if I absolutely knew that 2012 was real.
Here’s my answer. MOVE!!” Brad and I both knew that Heartsong Healing Center in Holladay was simply a compromise—a diversion, if you
will—to what I really wanted to
create which was an intentional community of like-minded holistic health
practitioners. (Not just therapists—but
anyone who wants to practice holistic health.)
I had the land, I had the house, I had the water, I even had the vision
of what I truly wanted to create—Heaven on Earth. I just needed some support.
“You’re absolutely right,
sweetheart. This is just a nudge to get
us moving in the right direction.” I realized that we’d just been “treading
water” here in the city when what we really needed was to reconnect with the
land—with Mother Earth.” The tears
started to flow as I described for the umpteenth time to Brad about my vision
of the intentional community I wanted to create out on my land…no, our land…that we’ve been postponing for
nearly 6 years. I wanted gardens, I
wanted animals, I wanted ponds, I wanted fruit trees, I wanted a healing
center, but most of all, I wanted Brad and other like-minded people to help
create the vision I couldn’t create myself.
And so I’m sending this
Newsletter out to all of you (I’m not going to lie to you anymore and tell you
this is my last post—because OMG—I just don’t know anything anymore) to invite you to join me (and Brad if he wants)
to help create intentional community on our 15 acres down south. I won’t tell you the exact location (in case
the police are filtering my emails, which they probably are) but if you’d like
to come and discuss the topic of intentional community—give me a call or email
me so we can get a group together to discuss all the options. I don’t want to create a fear-based community, but a love-rich
community of those who are truly seeking enlightenment. If this sincerely calls to you, let me know
and I will create a new email list of supporters. Again, I apologize for all of you who’d like to
stop receiving my emails as my server won’t delete you from my master
list. I suppose it’s a nudge for me to
create a new list of “beloveds” who truly want to be-loved. Thanks for your patience in my “rantings and
ravings” during my dark night of the soul. I hope to put all of this behind me and start
something new. It’s useless energy
trying to swim upstream against the current, so I’m looking to connect with a
downstream current that will get me where I want to go—FAST!! Just like in the movie Finding Nemo. I’m all about
finding some incredible sea turtle energy that’s “going with the flow.” BTW my new aka name is LOLLA after reading
about the enlightened Buddha Lulla who spent her entire life naked. (If you haven’t been reading my current emails
you won’t get it.) So LOLLA (Lots of
Love and Laughs Always)—J. Bird (always naked as a)
Well, to update everyone on
where things are at with “our 15 acres down south”—a few weeks after my
infamous “jail-time” (yes…I spent 28 days
in jail WITHOUT CAUSE!) our landlord,
Max Smith, (yes…I will name names as he’s from the infamous “Smith Family” and
is a direct descendent of Hyrum Smith—Joseph Smith’s brother) foreclosed on
it. Here are the details.
Admittedly, Brad and I had
gotten behind on a few payments on our land after paying over $600/mo for over
6 years. But Max was “willing to work
with us” and so Brad did a trade with him for a very expensive marble
countertop installation in Max’s home in Springville. The total cost of the job was around $8,000
as it included a splashboard all the way around the sink area plus a wet-bar. After the installation was complete…a few
weeks later we received a notice of
foreclosure in the mail on our land investment. Brad was concerned…I was absolutely livid…and so the two of us went down to
Springville to talk to Max in person. We
had copies of all of our payments and Brad had a copy of the bill for the
countertop which (according to the books) showed that we were well over $2,000
ahead even after paying Max the back taxes.
We thought with all of the paperwork proving
that we were current on our payments—and then some—Max would be reasonable and
stop the foreclosure. Little did I
underestimate the crookedness of the “Smiths.”
Max just looked at the
paperwork and the bill and shook his head and said, “So, let me inform you why
I foreclosed on you…there is a clause in the contract that says if you are ever late on a payment…I have the right
to foreclosure. I’m just taking
advantage of that clause as you can see by the books (he pulled the original
books out) you’ve been late on several payments in the past.”
Okay…so if I wasn’t a Christian
woman (which I am) I would have, at that point, had Max pinned up against the wall by his throat! Not only was he not giving us any credit
for the countertop Brad had just installed in the kitchen where all the
paperwork was spread out on…but he was ready to steal over $150,000 of our investment we’d made on our land for the
past 6 years! This included stealing my modular home, my well, my
corrals, my shed…and any and all improvements we’d made on our land!
Well, at that point, Brad encouraged
me to go sit in the car after I blasted Max for about 5 minutes about WHO THE
HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS STEALING OUR LAND!
Unfortunately, Brad didn’t get anything
in writing concerning the trade deal for the countertop—so he essentially
was out $8,000 as well! Brad wanted to
discuss the situation with Max rationally…but in my opinion all rational
discussion had flown out the window!
After my “chilling-out” period of about a half an hour, Brad returned to
the car with his hands in the air…there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about the situation…Max wouldn’t budge an
inch!
For me…it was the last
straw…the final indicator… the writing on the wall…that I needed to leave
Utah…for good! There was really nothing keeping me there after
that! And so, as many of you may already
know, on February 14 (Valentine’s Day) after my umpteenth Preliminary Court Hearing
where Judge Atherton (Judge Judy) basically waived ALL of my Constitutional
Rights away with a sweep of her had (she ruled that I couldn’t have ANY witnesses
nor could I use ANY Constitutional arguments to defend myself at my Jury Trial she’d
scheduled the following morning), I was told by “Spirit” that I was done! I was done with court and I was done with
Utah! So I packed up my bags and moved
(not fled) to another state…California for a month, to check out a business
opportunity, then Maui for two months…looking for a safe haven to land. In the
meantime I finished writing and editing my book, White Buffalo Woman—My Personal Journey from Prison to Paradise,
which I wrote in jail and will be on-line ready to download by next week (God
willing).
Okay…so here’s the rest of the story concerning Max Smith
and our land. Get ready…it’s a doozey. At the end of June
after I’d come back to Montana to attend my daughter, Kelsey’s, high school
graduation (which I promised her I’d attend) I got a text from my friend, Pam,
who also had landholdings and a cabin on Max’s acreage called “Oaker Hills.” She texted me “Did you hear about the fire in
Oaker Hills that burned down everything!”
I was so shocked I immediately called Pam who filled me in on the
details. Everything…yes, I said everything… in Oaker Hills had been burned
to the ground…including their (her and Joes) cabin! I grieved with Pam and offered her my
condolences, then asked if my modular home had been burned down as well.
“Ya know Janae…the funny thing
is that a few days before the fire happened, Max hired some movers to move your
modular home off because it had become such an eye-sore and he probably
couldn’t sell the property with it on.
If he’d had just waited a few days…it would have been burned down with
everything else and he would have saved him a lot of money in moving
costs.” I couldn’t help but laugh to
myself at how karma has a way of playing
itself out; although I did feel deeply sorry for my dear friends, Pam and Joe, and the loss of their cabin
which they’d put so much time, effort and money into.
So moving right along…indeed what
a wild-ride I’ve had during the past six months since I’ve written! I know many of you are curious as to the
current “marriage” situation with Brad and me.
Well, let’s put it this way…it’s a “work in progress.”
The week before I landed in
Utah to reconnect with my “beloved” Bradley after being away for over three whole months (we’d been lovingly
texting and talking with each other on the phone nearly every day during that
period), Brad informs me that “he’s engaged to be married!” Wow…did that one ever throw me for a
loop! He said he was tired of waiting around
for me (understandably) and so he’d met this darling, young, tall, blonde
massage therapist named Mary, who had six young children who he’d proposed
marriage to after knowing her for two
weeks! Okay…admittedly I had to get
a grip on myself as that dagger went straight to my heart! I struggled to work on my compersion (a polyamory term meaning “to
feel joy in your partner’s joy”) and conceded, “I only want the best for you, Brad, and if marrying a
40-year-old blonde bombshell and playing Daddy to her kids truly makes you happy…then why would I stand in the way of your
happiness?” Admittedly, I’d had 3 (yes three) incredible lovers while I was in Maui who’d loved
me in ways I’d never thought possible!
All three of them knew each other and got along famously! So it’s not like I was suffering from lack of
attention or lack of love…but I figured once I landed on the mainland I would
reconnect with my previous lover(s) which did include Brad (ya think!).
Well, Brad didn’t want to
connect with me intimately and when I suggested that I spend the night at our
apartment on my way up from St. George to Missoula, Brad went into complete contraction. Not only did he
not want me to stay in what I still
considered “our apartment,” but he filed
a restraining order against me so
that I couldn’t even pick up any of
my warm clothes that I needed for the chilly spring Montana weather! (I found out later he’d already moved Mary
and her six children into our
apartment and didn’t want me near the place disrupting their little “love-nest!”)
That was then (four months ago)
this is now. Since then Brad
“dis”engaged Mary and is now in a quasi-suedo polyamorous relationship with her
and another lover named Lori. He’s
lately been sleeping on the couch in “his” apartment while Mary “rules the
roost,” so to speak, along with her four young children as the oldest two, I
believe, are now living with their father.
Brad “couch surfs” between Mary and Lori as neither of them wants “sex”
as they both want exclusivity with
Brad. (At least that’s the summary of
Brad’s recent exploits—according to him.)
Okay…I’m the first to admit
that polyamory is a challenging lifestyle…but my only concern with Brad is to get
the damned divorce papers signed so we can both move on with our lives! I’m convinced that a legal marriage is NOT
what either of us wants and any kind
of marriage with Brad is definitely out of the question considering the
circumstances! But, as always, I’m open
to any possibilities of healing any of my relationships. Hey, I’ll admit that some of my actions caused some of these consequences…more
on that later…
As for my love life…yes, I’ve
had a few “hit and miss” relationships (not worth mentioning) since I’ve been
in Montana, and one really gnarly one
with a self-proclaimed “bad boy” musician/biker/mountain man named Jimmy who I
spent three weeks with on his remote, pristine off-the-grid property. Granted, despite Jimmy’s rough edges, it was
a magical three weeks planting a raised-bed garden, transplanting Jimmy’s special
“herbs” and picking huckleberries in the nude as I relished the similarities
between Jimmy’s place and Higher Ground. I savored our impromptu concerts around the
campfire next to a pastoral stream with Brian—a Buddhist Monk—joining us who’d
set up camp in his small trailer nearby.
I bailed on the relationship after Jimmy’s constant lying, cussing and smoking
habits (pot and tobacco) got the best of me; but I felt like this relationship
helped me vicariously heal a lot of my previous “issues” with Kurt where I went
unconscious when things turned abusive.
I finally learned to stand up for myself in the face of abuse—although
I’m still dealing with a POS (Piece of Shit) Dodge Caravan which I bought from Jimmy that I call my “Jimmy Rig”
as there are so many things that were “Jimmy-rigged” that he promised to fix
but didn’t. Oh well…it gets me from
point A to point B…barely. I’m actually thinking about making lemonade
out of this “lemon” by turning it into a “moving billboard” by painting my Holy
Vortex logo on it and splattering it with bumper stickers like my other van. Nevertheless, Jimmy’s colorful character and
off-the-chart antics will make good writing material for my next book—OMG! (Oh My Goddess!)
So…a week or so ago I met a
“man-of-my-dreams” type of guy who seriously “rocked my world.” I’ll share all the juicy details for those
who want to hear ;-). I actually “met”
him a couple weeks earlier and so when “Eric” (not his real name) called, I
couldn’t even remember who he was as I’d been blessed with so many clients (3 or 4 a day). He was from out-of-town (Bozeman) so I didn’t
think he’d be coming back (at least for awhile) so I never kept him in my
memory banks or caller I.D. But when I
got Eric on the massage table…I did
remember his energy…we’d definitely connected in a big way.
After the massage (it was my
last one for the day) we fell into a conversation. I told him that he reminded me a lot of one
of my best friend’s sons named Joe. He
looked and acted just like him. I told
Eric that I’d had a secret crush on Joe for many years, but since he was my
friend’s son and way too young for me (Joe was in his thirties) that we
both resisted the urge to “take it to
the next level.”
“Well, how old do you think I
am?” insisted Eric, whom I felt wanted to take it to the next level.
“Oh, I’ll bet you’re not as old
as my kids,” I replied nonchalantly.
“What do you want to bet?” Eric
countered.
I laughed out loud, “Oh, you
really want to bet me, eh? Then how
about dinner?” I responded, confident that Eric couldn’t be older than my
oldest daughter, Aubrey, who’d just turned 34 this past August.
“Well, I’m forty-four,” beamed
Eric, even more confident that he’d won the bet. “How old’s your oldest kid?”
I tried not to blush as mixed
feelings of embarrassment and desire flooded through me. “He’s actually do-able,” I thought to myself as
I answered. “You win…my oldest daughter,
Aubrey, just turned 34 in August.
So…where do you want to go for dinner?”
Eric was planning to book a
hotel room in Missoula as he didn’t want to drive back to Bozeman that night as
it was a three-hour drive. Since he
hadn’t made hotel reservations yet, I asked him how flexible his schedule was
as I did know a great restaurant up at Quinn
Hot Springs where “we” could book a cabin and then soak in the hot springs
the following morning. I didn’t have a
massage booked until two the following afternoon so it seemed like a great
proposal. Everything seemed to synchronize
perfectly and so, after a couple of pit-stops to check on a house I was
interested in renting up the same canyon we were headed, we arrived at Quinn Hot Springs just in time for a
late dinner.
The red wine, the savory
salmon, the soft 70s music and quiet conversation were intoxicating; and after spending
about an hour enjoying a late-night soak in the warm water—we were ready for
some horizontal rumba between the sheets.
We checked into our cabin marked “Bison” and I couldn’t help exclaiming
“Oh, look…there’s a picture of a white buffalo on the wall” as I noticed the bison
picture hanging above our bed. It was
actually a regular brown buffalo covered with snow but I couldn’t help laughing
to myself. I hadn’t crossed that bridge with Eric yet…I’d gotten a
bit wiser with age ;-)
“I manifested this!” I
exclaimed to Eric as we fell into each other’s arms, sweating and exhausted
after two hours of making love…probably the best
love-making I’d ever had in my life!
“Really…how’s that?” Eric
chuckled.
“Well, last night I was lying
in bed wondering how I could discharge all of the sexual energy I’d built up
over the past few weeks of doing Aloha
Nirvana massages…and since I broke up
with Jimmy a few weeks ago…the only other outlet has been through my own…personal kundalini massage.”
Eric got my drift and laughed.
“So anyway, last night I was
practicing the law of attraction that Wayne Dyer had taught me where I envision
exactly what I want, then imagine it in detail just before falling asleep. So I imagined this drop-dead gorgeous guy
sweeping me off my feet and having great
sex! The funny thing is…I didn’t
know it would be at my favorite resort in
the Bison room. That kinda added a
special little ‘twist’ to the whole experience,” I smiled.
“That’s really bizarre…because
this morning I woke up wondering what to do today with no plans to come to
Missoula. I then had this thought about
the amazing massage you’d given me a couple weeks ago and so I hopped in my van
and headed your direction hoping you had time available for me. It seemed to work out so synchronistically,”
Eric yawned.
I spooned Eric as I sensed he
was falling asleep, “I’m glad it was you
who showed up,” I whispered in his ear.
The next morning we had another
round of ecstatic love-making before having a delicious breakfast. As we listened to Cat Stevens’ rendition of Morning has Broken, I mentioned that Cat
Stevens was one of my favorite artists.
“That’s funny…he’s one of mine,”
Eric affirmed.
“Okay…so who’s your all-time favorite musician?” I asked,
wondering what type of music Eric really
liked.
“Well, a lot of people laugh
when I tell them…so promise me you won’t laugh.” Eric replied.
“Okay, I promise I won’t
laugh.”
“John Denver…I mean his song
“Rocky Mountain High” just sends me…” Eric’s voice trailed as he watched me
break into peals of laughter.
“Hey…you promised not to laugh!” he exclaimed.
I was wiping the tears from my
eyes as I countered, “I’m sorry…it’s just too
much of a coincidence. John Denver isn’t just my favorite singer…he’s my soul-mate. In fact my first book, Heartsong, was inspired by the song he sang to me the morning after
he died…” I went on to tell Eric the
story about how I’d received the song “Heartsong” from the spirit-world the
morning after John Denver’s fateful airplane crash before I even knew about it;
and how it had become the inspiration for writing my first book, Heartsong.
I could tell by the look on
Eric’s face that I was getting a bit into the “outer limits” territory for his
taste so we decided to head for the hot pools for a soak and a Watsu. I’d brought my watsu gear, so after about an
hour of soaking, I floated Eric for what I’ve now coined, “Aquadance”—an
advanced form of Watsu. Eric enjoyed the
Aquadance immensely and I felt I was
able to release a lot of tension in his neck from a couple of car accidents
he’d been in that he’d shared about.
As I looked at the clock…nearly
noon…I knew I wouldn’t make it back to my 2 o’clock massage session in time; so
as soon as we got in phone range (there was no phone service at Quinns) I called Deserae to call my
client to reschedule. As Eric dropped me
off at Deserae’s and headed back to Bozeman in his Honda Odyssey (yes, he also owns a van complete with a bed in the
back…go figure ;-), I couldn’t help wondering if I’d indeed met “the man of my
dreams.”
The next two weekends I attempted
to reconnect with Eric at his place in Bozeman but both times he shrugged me
off saying, “He’d already made plans.”
So feeling a bit spurned, I finally texted him, “I’ve found out at this
point in my life that some things that r too good to be true…r too good to be
true…that’s why we sabotage them.
GUILTY!”
No reply.
The next day, realizing how I really do sabotage relationships when I
feel emotionally invested, I texted Eric again, “U r so damn cute I cant
get my mind off of u…even if u r too good to be true! Hope u had a great day!
This time I did get a response,
“Hey darlin…don’t you dare ditch me cuz that would make me sad :(
I decided to let the
relationship have its time and space to blossom, but I still couldn’t help feeling
these old familiar feelings of rejection stealthing their way into my
subconscious as I went to bed that evening.
And then at about 1:30 it hit me like a ton of bricks lying heavy on my
chest. The thoughts started to permeate
my mind like reels of old discarded film…maybe your mind’s all screwed up and
you’re wrong about everything you
believe…you’re nothing but a whore and a sinner…everyone rejects you because
they don’t want to get the diseases from all of your elicit sex…your children
will never love you cause they don’t
respect who you are…the Illuminate’s going to hunt you down and kill you when
you go public with your website…you are going to end up a sad and lonely hag if
you don’t change your ways…you are crazy
and going to HELL!
I fought those dark thoughts
and feelings like the scene in the movie, Ghost,
where the evil spirits grab and pull the lost souls down to hell after they
die. But the dark energy still kept
overwhelming me until I wanted to find a way to escape! Where could I run? How could I get away from the “me” that I was
experiencing as my “dark side?” Could I ever escape this “me” whom many of my
loved ones thought to be me? Then the thought occurred, “Embrace the
darkness and transmute it into light…you know how…just do it.” And so I did!
I realized (real eyes) that all of these negative thoughts were
“fear-based” beliefs which held me hostage; and that love and light cannot exist where there is fear. In recognizing that these thoughts were just
some of my old, fear-based programs
surfacing to be examined and then en-lightened—I did just that. I embraced my fears with love and light,
giving them to God, and they soon dissipated like shadows at the break of dawn. My entire soul was filled with what I now
recognize to be the love of God or “Christ-consciousness” which is based on total, unconditional love. My heart now radiated this light and I soon
fell into a deep, restful sleep. The
next morning I awoke refreshed and able to do the four 90-minute Aloha Nirvana sessions I’d scheduled for
that day.
On my way home after my last
session, I stopped at the Good Food Store to pick up some apple cider
vinegar, Ebson Salts, and Swedish Bitters for Deserae who was
suffering from a terrible lung infection (which she later learned was
pneumonia). As I was heading to my
“Jimmy-rig,” I noticed a man walking to his car with his grocery cart whom I
recognized to be Dr. Binder—the Naturopath I used to take my children to when I
lived in Pinesdale. I’d always hoped to
develop a “special” connection with Tim Binder as he was the doctor John Denver
would fly into “The Bitterroot Valley” to see as Dr. Binder does what’s called
“position technique”—a type of therapy similar to Rolfing. John Denver claims he gained two inches in
height because of it.
Tim and I chatted for almost an
hour—catching up on nearly twenty years since we’d seen each other last. He actually remembered me and asked if I
still lived in Pinesdale and had I adopted a polygamous lifestyle these
days. I updated him concerning my
relationship with Kurt and how it ended over 13 years ago when I’d asked Kurt
“for equal rights.”
“Ya know…I always told my
patients from Pinesdale that if they want to live polygamy they should make it
go both ways. It just isn’t fair that
women shouldn’t get more than one husband if the men get more than one wife. As for me…one wife is more than I could handle.”
He then shared that he’d divorced his wife, Sharon, about twelve years
ago and hadn’t remarried. They had just
spent the last weekend together with their two children. They had divided their two properties they
owned…she took the one in Boulder, Colorado; while he remained at the one in
the Bitterroot.
I vaguely recalled Dr. Binder’s
home up Blodgett Canyon. He’d built an
amazing bio-dome home complete with solar and windmill power generation. I’d always been impressed with it as we’d
both been drawn to Bucky Fuller’s designs and Windstar’s innovations. I
reminded Tim of my deep connections with John Denver as I was previously a Windstar member and had attended the Windstar Symposiums each year…not to
mention attending trainings in Bio-dynamic
French-Intensive Raised-bed Gardening and Bucky Fuller’s Biodome design workshop.
“So, do you follow Ed Dames and
his remote-viewing forecasts for December of 2012?” Tim questioned, easing me
into a conversation concerning the eminent collapse of the grids caused by
solar flares. “I tried to convince my ex
and my children to move back here to Montana as it’s really the only safe
place to be when everything gets fried.
But she seems to think she’s safe in Boulder. Hey, I wouldn’t want to be in a
heavily-populated area when everything collapses and you have to depend on
grocery stores for food. They say the
grocery stores will be mobbed and emptied of food within hours of the grid
collapsing. I hope you have your food
and water storage on hand for what’s in store for the planet!”
After we discussed our various
“survival strategies” and what I was now doing for a living, I handed Tim one
of my business cards that was fresh off the press. “Hey, if you’d ever like to join me at Quinn
or Symes Hot Springs for a Watsu…give me a call.”
“I will,” the
distinguished-looking seventy-year-old doctor replied.
As I headed my grocery cart to
my van parked in the next aisle, I thought to myself, “No…I wasn’t prepared in
the slightest for a worldwide
disaster! I’d been too busy helping my
daughter and her family get “back on track,” so to speak, and “making a living”
myself. I’d hoped to secure the
3-bedroom house up Jocko Valley as it had lots of room and a wood-burning
stove, but I still hadn’t heard back from “Ernie” concerning it. We’d discussed his resistance in renting it
to me as my credit didn’t check out so well (ya think!) and I was still waiting
for his “verdict.” My current living
conditions in Ryan and Deserae’s trailer home were far from suitable let alone
“sustainable.” I was living out of my
suitcase in their spare bedroom; and I shivered even when they had the furnace
on because the walls were so ill-insulated and they were trying to conserve on
their heating bill. We were all simply
struggling to put food on the table as it was…let alone thinking about storing any away. I could feel overwhelming emotions of anxiety
and panic start to seep through me that evening. Deserae offered up the movie Prometheus she’d rented to take my mind
off of things. I fell asleep after the
first ten minutes with the thought…who really is my Maker…and will He/She take
care of me through the coming devastation of Planet Earth?
I awoke the next morning early,
determined to do a coffee-cleanse to get rid of some of the left-over anxiety
I’d experienced the days before. As I
was lying in the tub filled with warm water and my homemade herbal face mask
plastered all over my face (my grandkids say it looks like cow-poo, Grandma),
one word came to mind, “Rapture.”
Now the mind is like a very
complex, high-tech computer that when you plug in or “Google” a key word you
get a mass of “downloads.” I thought
about the Christian concept of “The Rapture” at the “end of days” when the
whole world is doomed for destruction and the “good people of the planet” are
mysteriously “caught up in a cloud to meet their Savior.” Of course this didn’t jive with my Mormon background which didn’t teach concerning any type of “rapture” but encouraged
“the Saints” to get their food storage in…which included white flour, white
sugar and salt—the three deadly “white lie” foods. Of course, my Mom still had 50 pound buckets
of whole wheat which was so old that we used most of it as chicken-feed when
Brad and I ran the “family farm” out in Draper.
But the fact was clear…I was the most
ill-prepared for a socio-economic-planetary collapse NOW then I had been in
my ENTIRE LIFE! Good God…what was I to do!?
Then a quiet voice spoke to me as if from the heavens…”Don’t worry…I’ll
take care of you…I always have in the past…I will ALWAYS take care of my sheep
whom I call my own.” WOW! What comfort and relief those words did for
me as I finished up with my coffee cleanse.
It was Sunday morning and the
images of a Mother Hen gathering her precious chicks before a storm permeated
my mind as I went outside to pick the few herbs that were left for a green
drink. I’d promised myself during the week that I’d make one that weekend for
Deserae (who was still in bed trying to recover from pneumonia). As I gathered dandelion, plantain, Shepherd’s
Purse, red clover and alfalfa to add to the mint which Ryan had picked the day
before, I couldn’t help sing out loud the John Denver song that always came to
mind while gathering God’s gifts: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oC6-RswXKSU
Thank-you
for this precious day
These
gifts you give to me
My
heart so full of love for you
Sings
praise for all I see
Oh sing
for every Mother’s love
For
every childhood tear
Oh,
sing for all the stars above
The
peace beyond all fear.
(I’d
changed the second verse to suit my own particular needs)
This is
for the pure in heart
Who
long to build a home
Who
gather here among the Saints
So they
won’t be alone
Are
they not some dear Mother’s child?
Are
they not you and I?
Are we
the ones to turn away
And
scorn their sacrifice?
Or are
they just like falling leaves
Who
give themselves away?
From
dust to dust
From
seed to shear
And to
another day
If I
could have one wish on earth
Of all
I can conceive
‘Twould
be to see another spring
And
bless the falling leaves
Thank-you
for this precious day
These
gifts you give to me
My
heart so full of love for you
Sings
praise for all I see
Oh sing
for every Mother’s love
For
every childhood tear
Oh sing
for all the stars above
The
peace beyond all fear
As
I headed back to Deserae’s cozy trailer home, I noticed the sunlight just
starting to break through the rain clouds…and I smiled. I tried to think of the words to the Cat
Stevens song that Eric and I had listened to at Quinns. I sang what I could
remember as I passed my POS van parked along the side of the driveway next to
Deseraes POS Toyota Corolla that she
was “forced” to drive as Ryan had totaled her brand-new Toyota Corolla a few weeks earlier while on an overdose of Ambien (a powerful, hypnotic,
prescription sleep-aid). We were all grateful nobody got hurt in the
accident…and simply considered it just another one of those “bumps in the road”
called “life.” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LwEVPlm-gZl
Morning
has broken, like the first morning
Blackbird
has spoken like the first bird
Praise
for the singing, praise for the morning
Praise
for them springing fresh from the word
Sweet
the rain’s new fall, sunlit from heaven
Like
the first dewfall, on the first grass
Praise
for the sweetness of the wet garden
Sprung
in completeness where his feet pass
Mine is
the sunlight, mine is the morning
Born of
the one light, Eden saw play
Praise
with elation, praise every morning
God’s
recreation of the new day
As
I finish writing this very long expose on where my life has led me these
past few months, I can’t help wondering if there is “Another Earth” like the
movie by the same name that is being prepared for us to “quantum leap” to when
the world (as we know it) is transformed.
Or that Tim Binder didn’t realize that Ed Dames has an advanced course
in Remote Viewing called Remote Influencing; and that perhaps if
we, as an enlightened group of conscious Earth-lovers, put all of our efforts
into influencing the outcome of so-called “Apocalyptic Prophecies,” that we
could pray for a better outcome. I actually tried this when Japan was hit with
the epic earthquake last year and they predicted huge tsunamis in the Hawaiian
Islands. I sat down and did an active
visualization of a huge bubble protecting the islands—and my dear friends who
lived there…and guess what? They didn’t
get the tsunamis that were predicted! Do you think that this could be possible on
a world-wide basis if we all united in prayer? I SINCERELY BELIEVE WE CAN! Anyway, things could get interesting…and
right now…I’m open to any and all possibilities!
In closing, I’d like to quote
one of my favorite verses from the Gnostic Gospel
of Truth:
The day from on high has no night, and its
light never wanes, for it is perfect.
Proclaim, then, that you are this perfect day and that it is in you that
the unfailing light dwells, you who possess the Gnosis of the heart. Utter the truth to those who seek it, and
speak Gnosis to those who in their error have made mistakes. Make firm the foot of those who have stumbled
and stretch out your hands to those who suffer from sickness. Feed those who are hungering and afford
repose to those who are weary, and raise up those who wish to rise, and awaken
those who sleep. For you are the “Gnosis
of the heart” that is manifest.
BTW—Gnosis,
Kundalini Awakening, The Oneness, Enlightenment, The Quickening and Ecstasy…all
share the same meaning as “Rapture.” It’s
also the final scene in the last chapter of my book Heartsong! (Go figure ;-)
