7/21/7 - An Emergency

An Emergency

7/21/7

Got your attention?  I love playing with words or the “play on words.”  Do you “real eyes” what “emergency” really means and that it comes from the Latin root word emergere which means “out of.”  Going to Webster’s dictionary these words have a distinct flavor:  emerge, to rise out of; to come forth; come into view; to come out as a result of inquiry; emergence, act of emerging or coming out; emergency, an unexpected occurrence or situation demanding immediate action; emergent, coming into being in the course of evolution; urgent.

It seems like we all are experiencing a state of “emergency?”  I KNOW I AM!!  It’s time I come to terms with my own emerging which is urgent and demanding immediate action.  The following are some favorite quotes from a chapter of my book, Heart Wide Open entitled “Emerging.”

 “How does one become a butterfly?” she asked pensively.

“You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.”

Annalee Skarin in her book, Book of Books, shares some interesting insights concerning the metamorphosis of the caterpillar into the butterfly.

Scientists have discovered an infinitesimal gland in the brain of a caterpillar, that if removed or injured, the worm can never develop into a butterfly.  It may go into its cocoon and fulfill the outside laws of its own perfecting yet fail to bring forth the actual inside achievement.  In order to fulfill its promised destiny it has to put the outside flesh aside and let that inner-knowing take over.  And only as that tiny gland is developed can that full functioning of a brilliant, evolved caterpillar be accomplished.

There is also within the caterpillar another gland, infinitely tiny, located in the center of its body.  And man has both of these glands also.  They are right within himself.  The one in the brain changes the thinking personality of the worm conscious, which transforms the mortal conscious man into a new being as far above his mere mortal conscious man into a new being as far above his mere human condition as the butterfly is above the worm.  The change in the caterpillar lifts it above the drab, ugly earth into new heights and realms of vision and grandeur.  It has a new heightened awareness of itself and its surroundings.

The central gland develops the very wings needed to match the advancement in thought and comprehension.  The caterpillar is no longer a crawling insect pushing and dragging itself along over every obstacle in its path.  It can fly above the clods and sticks and stones and mountains of grass.  It can travel in a minute the distance that would have required a full day of grinding effort in its previous condition.

The caterpillar is the perfect symbology of man in his unawakened state of mortal, worm consciousness.

The butterfly, on the other hand, is the perfect symbology of man as he breaks through his illusions of separation or veils of darkness which he has created for himself, and truly looks within his own heart and realizes who he truly is—GOD.  But this can only happen when, as in the symbol of the emergence of the butterfly, all the energies of his entire being are committed to that emerging out of the darkness and into the light. These energies must come from within himself; for if anyone from the outside proceeds to release us from our own cocoons, it will inhibit the strength necessary to produce the wings to fly us to God.   For “it’s the fire and the wings that fly us home.”

I wrote a poem many years ago describing this process we call “Metamorphosis.”  The inspiration came out of a sad story of my first true love, Mark, who had just suffered a divorce.  He was a committed LDS churchgoer and had married in the temple a girl he’d met at Harvard.  (He was brilliant and “my missionary” whom I didn’t wait for.)  They had just had their first child and their lives seemed to be “picture perfect.”  He was President of the Elder’s Quorum and had a successful law practice.  Everything on the surface seemed to be going well for Mark, but underneath it all—he was dying.  So one night he took off by himself to Jackson Hole, Wyoming, got extremely drunk at a cowboy bar, and ended up in bed with the waitress.  He went home to face the music when he told his wife and bishop about the unfortunate incident. He was inevitably excommunicated and his wife filed for a divorce.  This is when he showed up on my doorstep while I was living in Cove, Utah with my husband, Kurt, and our three precious children, Aubrey, Jared and Deserae.  He cried on my shoulder as he described in poetic metaphor what he realized had happened.

“It was if someone had fashioned a beautiful coat of armor, bright and shining, for me to wear.  But the only problem was—they had made it too small.  Then they proceeded to lock me into this coat of armor and then threw away the key.  As time passed, I began to realize that I was cramped and suffocating inside of it.  So I did the only thing I could do—I ripped through the coat of armor to free myself of an inevitable death sentence.  I didn’t care at the time the wake of damage I would leave behind.  I just needed to be free!!”

This was one of my first “wake-up” calls of how we allow ourselves to be put into relationships that are “too small” for us.  I nearly had an affair with Mark as I realized that I still loved him—but I was married to Kurt and I just couldn’t come to terms with how I could be in love with two men at the same time.  Since then I’ve learned a few more lessons about love.  The following is a poem I wrote and a song I wrote later on about this mysterious force we call “Love.”

                                                Metamorphosis

Caterpillar, caterpillar, consuming all in thy path

Nourishing body, mind and spirit with all that the world has.

Caterpillar, caterpillar, spinning the web of time

Can’t you see the web you weave are memories gone by?

Caterpillar, caterpillar, trapped in your cocoon

Struggling against the energy veil that you alone have spun

Caterpillar, caterpillar, look within your heart

And break the bonds, which hold you bound…to fly on wings of fire!

                                                Butterfly Love

                                    Love is like a butterfly,

                                                            Yearning to be free.

                                                            You long to hold it in your hand,

                                                            But this must never be.

                                                            Just let it go and watch it fly,

                                                            And someday soon you'll find.

                                                            The butterfly has come again

                                                            To spend a little time.

                                                           

                                                            Beautiful butterfly, fluttering by,

                                                            Won't you stop and stay awhile,

                                                            And keep me company?

                                                            Beautiful butterfly, high in the sky,

                                                            Let me catch you in my hand,

                                                            And hold you close to me.

                                                           

                                                            Love is like a butterfly,

                                                            So delicate and frail.

                                                            You long to squeeze it in your palm,

                                                            But instead just let it sail

                                                            Across the breeze, beyond the trees,

                                                            And someday soon you'll find

                                                            The butterfly has come again

                                                            To spend a little time.

                                                            Beautiful butterfly, fluttering by,

                                                            Won't you stop and stay awhile

                                                            And keep me company?

                                                            Beautiful butterfly, high in the sky,

                                                            Let me catch you in my hand,

                                                            And hold you close to me.

Love is such a mysterious force of nature.  It’s like water which goes wherever it flows.  It’s an abundant life-force that nourishes and replenishes us.  Just try and “damn” it and see what happens.  It’s like trying to dam Niagra Falls.  It eventually breaks free to flow where spirit directs it to flow. That is the true nature of love and water.

I realize “real eyes” that I’ve tried to damn love in my life with some very frustrating results.  But like water, love can become polluted with acid (negative emotions) that make it unhealthy.  But after going on a six-month pH balancing regime where I drank gallons of alkaline water along with a 5-day green drink fast, I feel I have finally cleared most of the negative emotions I’ve had about love (and men).  I am very clear now that I love men.  I not only love men but I love women also.  I have an abundant resource of love I desire to share with everyone and I am now committed to being present with that love regardless of where it takes me.  Like my friend, Mark, I realize that I am much bigger than my monogamous marriage.  I keep trying to change either me or Brad to make it fit, but it just doesn’t work.  So instead of being like Mark, I’m learning from Mark, and finally getting real and authentic with myself, Brad and others and realizing my mistake (missed opportunity).  I can’t change others in my life—the only one I can change is me.  This then allows for others to change if they so desire.  I’m not sure what these changes will involve but I know that it is an “emergency” that needs to happen.  I feel that I am emerging from my “cocoon” stage into my “butterfly” stage.  In fact, my children gave me a “rebirthing” party for my 50^th Birthday complete with a myriad of butterfly decorations.  I wish you all could have been there as my daughter, Aubrey, had asked my sister, Wendy, to e-mail everyone.  I trust that the e-mail was never sent.  I don’t care to believe otherwise.

I’d like to finish this little newsletter with a few of my favorite quotes from George Bernard Shaw.

“Marriage is an institution that brings together two people under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions.  They are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.”

And in his essay called “Polygyny and Polyandry,” Shaw promulgates the theory that “our monogamous nature was a myth invented by inferior and insecure men who were alarmed by the fact that women did not like them.  Instinctively women sought out the strongest and ablest men’s semen to impregnate them so they would produce the best children.  If a woman had to choose between a complete second-rate man and a fraction of a first-rate one, she would certainly prefer the latter.  Second-rate and third-rate men created the law of monogamy so that they wouldn’t be without women.

“It has been said that in medieval times sexual rivalry and jealousy were a major cause of violence.  Loving and sex are life-giving forces of nature.   It was the artificial restriction produced by taboos that cause much medieval violence.  The Tao Te Ching says, ‘The more the taboos, the more miserable the people.’  The inevitable result of such prohibition and restriction is violence."

I believe George Bernard Shaw was an enlightened writer.  I also believe that passion is what makes us alive and vibrant.  When we suppress passion we suppress a “life-giving force of nature.”  I believe passion exists each time we fall in love.  I must confess that I have “fallen in love with falling in love” and I’m afraid, yes, even fearful of expressing that part of myself in my present relationship.  I’ve been afraid of my own intimacy and that doesn’t mean having sex with other men.  I am reminded of the true meaning of intimacy—into-me-I-see.  I’ve experienced a type of intimacy that goes way beyond sexual intercourse and I long to share that kind of intimacy with others.  And so I hope this newsletter has captured some of that into-me-I-see so I can share that part of me with you—my beloveds.  I also believe and am reminded of one of my favorite discourses on fear.  I’m sure it’s probably some of yours.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you NOT to be?

You are a child of God.  Your playing small does not serve the World.

There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.

And as we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Nelson Mandela

1994 Inaugural Speech

In an ideal world we would never be afraid to express love at its deepest and most intimate level.  I am committed to creating that ideal world on my 15 acres out in Indianola which I call Heartsong Living Center.  You are invited to join me in this joint venture of intentional community making and peace.  (That’s a great book, by the way, Community Making and Peace, by M. Scott Peck, author of A Different Drum.)

The following song by Enya in her Paint the Sky with Stars album is dedicated to my eternal love, Brad.  I hope our love doesn’t just stay the same but evolves and emerges into something even more extraordinary—like the rare and beautiful blue butterfly.

Still the Same

I dreamt I dwelt in burbled halls,

With damsels and serfs at my side.

And of all assembled within these walls

That I was the hope and the pride.

I had riches all too great to count,

And a high ancestral place.

But I also dreamt which pleased me most…

That you loved me still the same.

That you loved me, you loved me, still the same.

That you loved me, you loved me, still the same.

I dreamt that suitors sought my hand,

That knights upon bended knee.

And with eyes of a maidens’ heart could withstand

That they pledged their faith to me,

And I dreamt that one thoughtful noble host

Came forth for my hand to claim.

But I also dreamt, which charmed me most…

That you loved me still the same.

That you loved me, you loved me, still the same.

That you loved me, you loved me, still the same.