Holy Vortex Foundation: 7/28/11 - I Want to Know What Love Is

I Want to Know What Love Is

7/28/11

I want to know what love is…I want you to show me…

I want to feel what love is…I know you can show me…

The words to the famous Foreigner song played through my mind this morning as it had done for the past several mornings ever since Brad and I went to the Journey/Foreigner Concert at the REAL (pronounced Re-Al) outdoor theatre Thursday evening. I smiled as I thought about what fun we’d had at the concert…dancing in the bleachers as Foreigner and Journey rocked our souls. I couldn’t recall having so much fun at a concert before—even in High School when my affinity for musicians ran along the John Denver, Neil Diamond and Roberta Flack lines. What great music I’d missed out on as a teenager when certain Rock ‘n Roll Bands like Journey and Foreigner were placed on my “hardcore R ‘n R list” struggling to keep in line with my LDS Seminary/Church affiliations. Shucks! I’d really missed out on some great music and lyrics! I grabbed my computer to down-load the lyrics to the song that continued playing through my head. Awe…these are makings for a great Heartsong Newsletter I thought to myself as I copied and pasted them to a fresh, clean…page? (Is that what you call it even though my computer doesn’t write on paper?) Hey, technology may have its downside but it does save on time and trees!

Gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I'm older

This mountain I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
Through the clouds I see love shine
It keeps me warm as life grows colder

In my life, there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life

I want to know what love is
I want you to show me
I want to feel what love is
I know you can show me

I'm gonna take a little time
A little time to look around me
I've got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me

In my life, there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life

I want to know what love is
I want you to show me
I want to feel what love is
I know you can show me

I want to know what love is
I want you to show me
I want to feel what love is
I know you can show me

I recalled the reason I’d been so drawn to go to the Foreigner/Journey Concert in the first place. It was because of the night that my two sons, Jared and Jordan, and I had gone to the Blue Moon Bar/Café in Lava Hot Springs after a busy day of work. My two boys were up in Lava doing construction work—helping George (the owner of Lava Hot Springs Inn) build an addition on the back of an ancient brick building that George wanted to turn into another Inn. I’d done an Aquadance (my advanced version of Watsu) that day with a cute gal from Chicago who shared with me that she was on a “Soul Search” after spending a week with her failing mother who lived a short distance away in Soda Springs. She was a Master Aesthetician and she shared with me that the retreat environment at Lava Hot Springs Inn provided solace for her soul. After the Aquadance we both shared about our different but similar backgrounds—hers growing up Jehovah’s Witness and mine growing up Mormon. We both laughed about it and concluded that if it hadn’t been for yoga and meditation we might still be stuck.

After her Aquadance, my two sons arrived “home” (our “home away from home” consisted of a small blue house which George had turned into a rental unit with an addition of a conference/spa area which he wanted me to manage). I offered both sons an Aquadance which they gratefully accepted as their backs were tired and sore from pounding nails all day and they knew how much my water therapy helped loosen things up. As I held each of them in my arms I couldn’t help but feel a warm sense of love and devotion for them that only a mother can feel towards her own children. I felt a strong sense of healing take place especially when I held my 21-year-old son, Jordan, in my arms. I’d left him when he was only ten years old as things had become abusive with his dad and me as I finally took a strong stand against polygamy. He’d witnessed the abuse first hand—but the real abuse came later when I was forbidden to see my children for over half a year and then only on Kurt’s terms of the where and when. Jordan had left Montana the day he turned 18 taking his younger brother, Jonathan, aged 16, with him. They’d landed at Heartsong for a few months helping me out with maintenance work but they, along with everyone else in the family, thought they’d be better off in Logan with their older brother and brother-in-law working construction. But after a year or so of pounding nails in boards, Jordan had dreams of modeling in New York and Milan and both Jordan and Jonathan landed contracts with a major modeling agency. But then Jonathan got his girlfriend, Ashlee, pregnant so they both stuck around until the baby’s birth in June.

After the water therapy, the three of us decided to mosey on over to the Blue Moon to grab a bite to eat and shoot some pool. As a combo cowboy/retro bar, it sported a Juke Box, Pin Ball machine and two Pool Tables. The boys ordered a pitcher of beer and I ordered a glass of red wine. We then racked up the balls and began playing. We played a few games of one-on-one elimination (they both kicked my butt BTW even though I thought I was a decent pool player). I figured they spent more time at these types of bars with pool tables than I did. And then I recalled the memorable times when I’d taken Jordan and his younger siblings, Jonathan, Kelsey, Jenny and Andrew up to Lolo Hot Springs to soak, swim and play pool. It was our regular monthly “visitation” outings and they especially enjoyed it when I brought up my Watsu gear and gave them each water therapy in the warm pools. Even then Jordan showed signs of becoming a “pool shark” at the Billiards table.

The boys were in a “neck n’ neck” game when I decided to check out songs in the Juke Box. Mostly Country/Western (and shucks no John Denver) but I did come across a familiar Foreigner song and plugged it in as one of the three songs for a dollar. Then I found some familiar Journey songs and plugged them in as well. As the Foreigner song played I couldn’t help but get a bit teary-eyed as I watched my two good-looking sons play pool together. Pride swelled up in my heart as I knew that they had indeed “taught me what love is.” Then as the Juke Box switched to the two Journey songs I recalled the great time I’d had dancing naked on the lawn at Nudestock to the faux Journey band in between Brad and Chris (the real Criss Angel featured in a past newsletter). During the second song, Don’t Stop Believing the energy became ecstatic as the entire lawn filled with naked bodies bumping and grinding against each other, arms held high waving the peace sign high in the air. Then the lead singer (sporting a black fro wig) came wading through the naked crowd to “high five” just me! It was awesome! But what was even more awesome was spending time with my two sons drinking and playing pool together and listening to the Journey songs play on the jukebox.

Lying beside you
Here in the dark
Feeling your heart with mine
Softly you whisper
You're so sincere
How could our love be so blind
We sailed on together
We drifted apart
And here you are
By my side

So now I come to you
With open arms
Nothing to hide
Believe what I say
So here I am
With open arms
Hoping you'll see
What your love means to me
Open arms

Living without you
Living alone
This empty house seems so cold
Wanting to hold you
Wanting you near
How much I wanted you home

But now that you've come back
Turned night into day
I need you to stay

So now I come to you
With open arms
Nothing to hide
Believe what I say
So here I am
With open arms
Hoping you'll see
What your love means to me
Open arms

Just a small town girl, livin' in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin' anywhere
Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit
He took the midnight train goin' anywhere

A singer in a smoky room
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/j/journey/dont+stop+believin_20075670.html ]
Strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlights people, living just to find emotion
Hiding, somewhere in the night.

Working hard to get my fill,
Everybody wants a thrill
Payin' anything to roll the dice,
Just one more time
Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on

Don't stop believin'
Hold on to the feelin'
Streetlight people

Don't stop believin'
Hold on to the feelin’
Streetlight people

Don't stop believin'
Hold on to the feelin'

Don’t stop!

After two more glasses of wine and another pitcher of beer, the three of us were feeling pretty “high” as we walked down the street arm in arm together to “crash at our home” in Lava. But the cathartic effects of the alcohol made us talkative as we shared deeply some of our innermost thoughts and feelings. Jared shared how he felt Jordan was showing some irresponsibility by wanting to go home early tomorrow to party with his friends on Thursday before the 4^th of July weekend. Jordan shared how he’d committed his time to George and Jared for three-and-a-half days and that he’d made plans to go to a concert on Thursday night with his friends who were picking him up tomorrow. His older brother (who can sometimes become brutally honest especially when drunk) commented that he felt Jordan should finish the job with him tomorrow so he wouldn’t have to stay another day to complete it himself. Jared had a wife and five children waiting for him, whom he wanted to get home to—but Jared (who’s 10 years older) felt his commitment and responsibility to George was more important than his own personal needs and desires (which included earning money to put food on the table). I listened to and mediated both sides, but soon Jordan got his feelings hurt and bolted outside to get a breath of fresh air. I went after him (as Mothers do) to reassure him that we both loved him and just wanted the best for him.

The next day, sure enough, Jordan’s friends picked him up after George paid him and Jared was left to finish the job on his own. Brad came up on Friday night to stay and help George with breakfast the following morning. The Inn was completely booked for the holiday weekend so we opted to head back home rather than spend another night on three inch foam pads on the tile floor in the spa’s conference room. So we headed home Saturday morning (as the “wind had shifted” as Mary Poppins would say) to spend our 4^th of July soaking up at Diamond Fork Hot Springs and then met with Cal and Becky (some of our dearest friends) to watch the Mapleton fireworks.

We’d rented Gary’s Cabin at Bear Lake for Wednesday and Thursday as my daughter, Deserae, was coming down from Montana to spend her 29^th birthday on July 6 with all of us at Bear Lake. It was Monday when I got the news that Jordan was in jail after being arrested on Friday night for a DUI (a Cannabis infraction). Tuesday night, we all gathered for a family council meeting at Aubrey’s home in Logan to see if we could all come up with enough bail money and legal fees to bail Jordan out so he could spend time with us as a family at Bear Lake. We all sacrificed our “boat money” to bail him out as we felt it was more important that Jordan felt our love and support (besides jail is not a fun place to be especially during the holidays) rather than rent a boat (it rained on Thursday so we wouldn’t have been able to go boating anyway). So on Wednesday (Deserae’s Birthday) we had a great family get-together on the North Shore of Bear Lake where I took these amazing family photos.

Jared and his new son, River Destiny, Ariel, Deserae Ariel, Ethan, Jordan, Destiny

Emalee and Carly Brody Kaitlin, Anthony, Fisher

Kylee Sienna

That evening Jonathan, Ashlee, Camry (Ashlee’s three-year-old) and Alivia (their newborn daughter) came up to spend the evening celebrating Deserae’s Birthday.

Brad also arrived with Holly and Brooke (his two daughters) and his grand-daughter, Mikael. We all had a great time eating cheesecake and ice-cream and playing the game Ariel invented called “The Question Game” which involved each of us taking turns asking a question then we all wrote down our answers on paper trying to “stump” each other to get points. When Ariel asked the question “What’s your favorite place?” I stumped everyone by answering “Down the Rabbit Hole” and I can’t even imagine why! I got tired around midnight (my bewitching hour) and retired to bed while the others continued playing. I was reminded that ALL of my grandchildren were there and didn’t I want to round them up for a photo? I passed on the photo op as the energy it would take to get all of my sixteen grandchildren together for a photo session seemed overwhelming to me at that particular time. I settled for this great photo of a passel of them at the beach. You can’t even imagine how my heart fills with joy just thinking about what fun we all had together!

Emalee, Adaela, Sienna, Carly, Fisher, Anthony, Kaitlin

Today I’m at Mom’s planting the herb starts Kathy (an herbalist, health food store owner and dear friend) gave to me yesterday when I went down to Mt. Pleasant to purchase some herbs she’d picked from her garden. I then dropped off papers to our landlord, Max Smith, to look over concerning my newly founded Holy Vortex Foundation. I was hopeful he would “donate” our 15 acres we’d been paying on for six years to the Heartsong Living Center “Eco-village” so that we could move it into a tax-deductible Church/non-profit status. When I got to Max’s office, he wasn’t there—only his wife, Lori. Without getting into the sordid details (I want to keep this newsletter P.G.) we were able to heal a deep wound that had happened between us over two years ago—just before Max had been put in prison for “forced sobriety.” Our Eco-village project had been put on “hold” for that period as Max needed to sign the papers himself and getting them to him in jail was a major hassle. Besides, I was dealing with my own dramas at Heartsong Healing Center. As I left Lori at Max’s office we both concluded—the problem is in the “Smith Family Genes.” Max is a direct descendent of Hyrum Smith—Joseph Smith’s brother—whose polygamous roots run deep.

Gardening is such a perfect metaphor to me for life and relationships. As an herbalist we learned early on that there are no “noxious weeds” simply “misunderstood herbs” whose purposes had not yet been discovered. As I prepared the garden spot at the side of Mom’s house, I pulled out the Wild Morning Glory and Crab Grass that had practically taken over Mom’s flower gardens as she’d grown too old and frail to pull weeds. It was time for a moving meditation and silent catharsis as I pondered my life and relationships—noticing the memories I wanted to pull from my mind—and those I wanted to keep. It’s not that they were “bad” or “wrong” or anything of the sort—it’s just some experiences and relationships you just don’t want to repeat. Yes, I could choose in this moment and in any given moment to do things differently. And so after I planted my herbs and before I began this newsletter, I decided to touch base with Becky to see if it was okay with her that I do a Tantric session with Cal the following morning. I phoned her and we had an honest, heart-to-heart talk for nearly half an hour and then we both resolved to “do things differently.”

That evening I celebrated my grand-daughter, Adaela’s, third Birthday with an Alice-in-Wonderland/White Rabbit Tea Party in my daughter, Destiny’s, backyard (complete with her two pet white rabbits). It was great fun singing “Happy Birthday,” blowing out candles, opening presents, and sharing tea and cupcakes with my darling little grand-daughter. But I’m afraid she’s growing up a bit too much like her grandmother—loving the journeys down the rabbit hole.

So do me a favor. Go to your own family photo album, select your favorites, and then run a slide show with the background music to these three great “heartsongs.” And if you don’t have family photos—you’re welcome to use mine. The complete albums can be found on my facebook photos. And remember…Don’t Stop Believing…in a fabulous “forever” future for all of us and our families! PLEASE DON’T STOP!

http://youtu.be/cK3P-OI_65A http://youtu.be/i5pUOVC50Y8 http://vevo.ly/hGjxhT

King Family 1994 King Family 1996 King Family 1998

King Family 2009

I want to know what love is
I want you to show me
I want to feel what love is
I know you can show me

So now I come to you
With open arms
Nothing to hide
Believe what I say
So here I am
With open arms
Hoping you'll see
What your love means to me
Open arms

Don’t Stop Believing!

All That I Am Is A Gift of Grace from God!

Be Still and Know that I AM GOD!

Holy Vortex Foundation

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Tuesday, October 16, 2012

7/28/11 - I Want to Know What Love Is

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