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Wednesday, October 31, 2012

10/15/12 - The Rapture


The Rapture
10/15/12
Rapture: 1) an expression or manifestation of ecstasy or passion 2) a state or experience of being carried away by overwhelming emotion 3) a mystical experience in which the spirit is exalted to a knowledge of divine things 4) often capitalized: the final assumption of Christians into heaven during the end time according to Christian theology
Admittedly…its 3:50 a.m. on a Monday morning and for the past 50 minutes I’ve been arguing with “the Spirit” nudging me to write this Heartsong Newsletter.  Yeah, I know, it’s been awhile since I’ve written so I guess it’s about time I caught everyone up on my whereabouts.
Well, if you haven’t guessed by now…I no longer reside in Utah…in fact the last newsletter I sent out to everyone entitled None Dare Call It Conspiracy was on Easter Sunday when I was in Maui (dancing naked on Little Beach, no doubt ;-).  Well, since then I’ve moved back to Montana and have been living with my daughter, Deserae, her husband, Ryan, and my two adorable grandchildren, Emalee and Fisher.  What fun we’ve all been having together!  I’ve gotten “back on the horse” and have developed a thriving massage business here in Missoula out of a back room at Deserae’s Jules Talent/Modeling/Photography Agency.  And, yes, I am keeping my nose clean and trying to keep out of trouble (right ;-).  Deserae’s helping me a lot with that as I’ve hired her as my “Personal Assistant” who books all of my appointments and is building my website: holyvortexfoundation.net.  Go to it and see for yourself!
Anyway, this newsletter came out of my efforts to compile all of my past Heartsong Newsletters and make them available to everyone in the MEDIA            section of my website.  I’m ready to upload Heartsong Newsletters Volume Two today.  So this past Saturday, when I was editing all of my Volume Two newsletters, I came across a Volume One newsletter that had “slipped through the cracks” so to speak.  It was a short one but it piqued my interest as I’d had a lot of so-called “synchronicities” the previous week that had called my attention to it.  I’ll share it below:

2012 Wake-up Call
3/16/2010
I have a confession to make.  I’m a sucker for those 2012 disaster movies shown on the big screen and now making their way into my favorite Blockbusters.  Recently, I’ve seen Meteor Apocalypse, Lost City Raiders, F-4 Vortex, and The End is Here—Polar Storm (which is probably the most accurate)—each one has a new twist (or twister) on how the world is coming to an end in 2012.  I know it’s all fear-based.  So….what do we do that isn’t fear-based?  We eat ‘cause we’re afraid we’ll starve to death.  We build houses to protect us from the fear of the elements (you should live in a teepee sometime).  We clothe ourselves for fear of being arrested for indecent exposure (ya think?).  We stay in unhappy relationships for fear of hurting another’s feelings—or more realistically—having everything we’ve worked for all of our lives taken away in a divorce.  We go to church on Sunday for fear of being “damned to hell” if we don’t.  We work at a job we hate for fear of what others might think if we “just quit and did what we want in life.”  Fear…fear…fear…it’s all fear-based mentality. 
Well, last night I watched a real doozey of a B-grade 2012 disaster movie called 2012—Supernova by my favorite film producer (not) Asylum.  Okay, it was cheesy enough with all of the (not so) special effects of earthquakes, asteroids, twisters, lightning storms, EMF pulses, etc. etc.—I mean it had it all.  But this movie’s big disaster was a Supernova that was destined to wipe out the entire planet which was averted (BTW) by a group of scientists exploding nuclear warheads outside of the earth’s gravitational magnetic atmosphere (or something like that) in order to shield the earth from “the finger of God” (it worked, of course).  I went to bed last night “shaken up” by the images of earthquakes, tornadoes, lightning storms, and the like messing with my mind.  I took a few minutes to meditate and connect with my higher self in order to delete these images from my mind.  But then the thoughts came to me in questions, “So, God, what if this is truly going to happen?  What if we only have two and a half years to prepare ourselves for the inevitable?  What would I be doing differently in order to prepare myself for this type of disaster (heaven only knows what it will look like)?  And, as always, I gave it to God for answers as I dozed off to sleep.
This morning I had court at 8:30 a.m.—my first preliminary hearing concerning my case of “indecent exposure.”  I was late because of daylight savings (now there’s an excuse), but it was short and sweet.  My court-appointed attorney, a young, attractive Asian gal named Tonia Hashimoto, advised me not to take the plea bargain of “sexual solicitation” and continue to plead “not guilty.”  She then scheduled another preliminary hearing for June 7 so she could get the transcripts from my Holladay court hearing and also do some personal research. 
“Great,” I told myself as I walked out of court to check the parking meter which still had an hour of time left on it.  Now what?  What do I do in the meantime with Heartsong?  I can’t do business without a business or massage license (legitimately anyway) and I promised the landlord I wouldn’t do anything “illegitimate” like turn it into a God-forbid—“Free Church.”  When I got home Brad was still there wondering if he wanted to go to work or wait for me.  He’d just plugged in a DVD he’d bought at Blockbusters the night before called A Guide for the Married Man starring Walter Matthau.  We both had a good laugh at what outrageous extremes men go to in order to have “an affair.”  Then Brad got a call from our landlord, Bob.
Bob had a sudden “change of heart” and wanted us out of the place in two weeks.  “What?!” I exclaimed.  “Why has he suddenly reneged on the deal to let us stay here until he could find another tenant to pay three grand a month?”  I was astonished.  With the current economy he should be glad that he had any tenants to pay $500/month plus all the utilities.  I was still hopeful, too, that everything would be dismissed in court and I could continue with “business as usual” at Heartsong.  Bob had agreed to let us “stay on” until all of this was cleared up or until he could find someone else to take over the lease.  So now I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
“Well, Bob thinks you’re still doing your “Member’s Massages” here, and I suppose the only way he can guarantee that that doesn’t happen is to kick us out,” Brad informed me matter-of-factly.  I was dumbfounded.  Not only had I stopped my exclusive “Member’s Only Services” the day I was arrested, but I had stopped all massage altogether.  I didn’t want to implicate anyone else in this whole mess—and yes, it had cost me a lot of income.  I told Brad that I wasn’t willing to leave Heartsong without a fight—as I had pretty much put my life-blood into it—not to mention over $25,000.  I was not going to be forced out of my home, business, and sanctuary without a fight…come what may.  Brad and I wrangled over the idea for a solid hour.  We had honed our fighting skills to the degree that each of us was now listening and responding to each other rather than shouting and reacting.  But Brad realized that I had a lot of “emotion” invested in all of this and needed to express my feelings.  He was patient with me—as always.
Suddenly, the thought came to me like a light bulb turned on in my head.  “You asked me last night about what I would be doing differently if I absolutely knew that 2012 was real.  Here’s my answer.  MOVE!!”  Brad and I both knew that Heartsong Healing Center in Holladay was simply a compromise—a diversion, if you will—to what I really wanted to create which was an intentional community of like-minded holistic health practitioners.  (Not just therapists—but anyone who wants to practice holistic health.)  I had the land, I had the house, I had the water, I even had the vision of what I truly wanted to create—Heaven on Earth.  I just needed some support. 
“You’re absolutely right, sweetheart.  This is just a nudge to get us moving in the right direction.”  I realized that we’d just been “treading water” here in the city when what we really needed was to reconnect with the land—with Mother Earth.”  The tears started to flow as I described for the umpteenth time to Brad about my vision of the intentional community I wanted to create out on my land…no, our land…that we’ve been postponing for nearly 6 years.  I wanted gardens, I wanted animals, I wanted ponds, I wanted fruit trees, I wanted a healing center, but most of all, I wanted Brad and other like-minded people to help create the vision I couldn’t create myself.
And so I’m sending this Newsletter out to all of you (I’m not going to lie to you anymore and tell you this is my last post—because OMG—I just don’t know anything anymore) to invite you to join me (and Brad if he wants) to help create intentional community on our 15 acres down south.  I won’t tell you the exact location (in case the police are filtering my emails, which they probably are) but if you’d like to come and discuss the topic of intentional community—give me a call or email me so we can get a group together to discuss all the options.  I don’t want to create a fear-based community, but a love-rich community of those who are truly seeking enlightenment.  If this sincerely calls to you, let me know and I will create a new email list of supporters.  Again, I apologize for all of you who’d like to stop receiving my emails as my server won’t delete you from my master list.  I suppose it’s a nudge for me to create a new list of “beloveds” who truly want to be-loved.  Thanks for your patience in my “rantings and ravings” during my dark night of the soul.  I hope to put all of this behind me and start something new.  It’s useless energy trying to swim upstream against the current, so I’m looking to connect with a downstream current that will get me where I want to go—FAST!!  Just like in the movie Finding Nemo.  I’m all about finding some incredible sea turtle energy that’s “going with the flow.”  BTW my new aka name is LOLLA after reading about the enlightened Buddha Lulla who spent her entire life naked.  (If you haven’t been reading my current emails you won’t get it.)  So LOLLA (Lots of Love and Laughs Always)—J. Bird (always naked as a)

Well, to update everyone on where things are at with “our 15 acres down south”—a few weeks after my infamous “jail-time” (yes…I spent 28 days in jail WITHOUT CAUSE!) our landlord, Max Smith, (yes…I will name names as he’s from the infamous “Smith Family” and is a direct descendent of Hyrum Smith—Joseph Smith’s brother) foreclosed on it.  Here are the details.
Admittedly, Brad and I had gotten behind on a few payments on our land after paying over $600/mo for over 6 years.  But Max was “willing to work with us” and so Brad did a trade with him for a very expensive marble countertop installation in Max’s home in Springville.  The total cost of the job was around $8,000 as it included a splashboard all the way around the sink area plus a wet-bar.  After the installation was complete…a few weeks later we received a notice of foreclosure in the mail on our land investment.  Brad was concerned…I was absolutely livid…and so the two of us went down to Springville to talk to Max in person.  We had copies of all of our payments and Brad had a copy of the bill for the countertop which (according to the books) showed that we were well over $2,000 ahead even after paying Max the back taxes.  We thought with all of the paperwork proving that we were current on our payments—and then some—Max would be reasonable and stop the foreclosure.  Little did I underestimate the crookedness of the “Smiths.”
Max just looked at the paperwork and the bill and shook his head and said, “So, let me inform you why I foreclosed on you…there is a clause in the contract that says if you are ever late on a payment…I have the right to foreclosure.  I’m just taking advantage of that clause as you can see by the books (he pulled the original books out) you’ve been late on several payments in the past.”
Okay…so if I wasn’t a Christian woman (which I am) I would have, at that point, had Max pinned up against the wall by his throat!  Not only was he not giving us any credit for the countertop Brad had just installed in the kitchen where all the paperwork was spread out on…but he was ready to steal over $150,000 of our investment we’d made on our land for the past 6 years!  This included stealing my modular home, my well, my corrals, my shed…and any and all improvements we’d made on our land! 
Well, at that point, Brad encouraged me to go sit in the car after I blasted Max for about 5 minutes about WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS STEALING OUR LAND!  Unfortunately, Brad didn’t get anything in writing concerning the trade deal for the countertop—so he essentially was out $8,000 as well!  Brad wanted to discuss the situation with Max rationally…but in my opinion all rational discussion had flown out the window!  After my “chilling-out” period of about a half an hour, Brad returned to the car with his hands in the air…there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about the situation…Max wouldn’t budge an inch!
For me…it was the last straw…the final indicator… the writing on the wall…that I needed to leave Utah…for good!  There was really nothing keeping me there after that!  And so, as many of you may already know, on February 14 (Valentine’s Day) after my umpteenth Preliminary Court Hearing where Judge Atherton (Judge Judy) basically waived ALL of my Constitutional Rights away with a sweep of her had (she ruled that I couldn’t have ANY witnesses nor could I use ANY Constitutional arguments to defend myself at my Jury Trial she’d scheduled the following morning), I was told by “Spirit” that I was done!  I was done with court and I was done with Utah!  So I packed up my bags and moved (not fled) to another state…California for a month, to check out a business opportunity, then Maui for two months…looking for a safe haven to land.  In the meantime I finished writing and editing my book, White Buffalo Woman—My Personal Journey from Prison to Paradise, which I wrote in jail and will be on-line ready to download by next week (God willing).
Okay…so here’s the rest of the story concerning Max Smith and our land.  Get ready…it’s a doozey.  At the end of June after I’d come back to Montana to attend my daughter, Kelsey’s, high school graduation (which I promised her I’d attend) I got a text from my friend, Pam, who also had landholdings and a cabin on Max’s acreage called “Oaker Hills.”  She texted me “Did you hear about the fire in Oaker Hills that burned down everything!”  I was so shocked I immediately called Pam who filled me in on the details.  Everything…yes, I said everything… in Oaker Hills had been burned to the ground…including their (her and Joes) cabin!  I grieved with Pam and offered her my condolences, then asked if my modular home had been burned down as well.
“Ya know Janae…the funny thing is that a few days before the fire happened, Max hired some movers to move your modular home off because it had become such an eye-sore and he probably couldn’t sell the property with it on.  If he’d had just waited a few days…it would have been burned down with everything else and he would have saved him a lot of money in moving costs.”  I couldn’t help but laugh to myself at how karma has a way of playing itself out; although I did feel deeply sorry for my dear friends, Pam and Joe, and the loss of their cabin which they’d put so much time, effort and money into.
So moving right along…indeed what a wild-ride I’ve had during the past six months since I’ve written!  I know many of you are curious as to the current “marriage” situation with Brad and me.  Well, let’s put it this way…it’s a “work in progress.” 
The week before I landed in Utah to reconnect with my “beloved” Bradley after being away for over three whole months (we’d been lovingly texting and talking with each other on the phone nearly every day during that period), Brad informs me that “he’s engaged to be married!”  Wow…did that one ever throw me for a loop!  He said he was tired of waiting around for me (understandably) and so he’d met this darling, young, tall, blonde massage therapist named Mary, who had six young children who he’d proposed marriage to after knowing her for two weeks!   Okay…admittedly I had to get a grip on myself as that dagger went straight to my heart!  I struggled to work on my compersion (a polyamory term meaning “to feel joy in your partner’s joy”) and conceded, “I only want the best for you, Brad, and if marrying a 40-year-old blonde bombshell and playing Daddy to her kids truly makes you happy…then why would I stand in the way of your happiness?”  Admittedly,  I’d had 3 (yes three) incredible lovers while I was in Maui who’d loved me in ways I’d never thought possible!  All three of them knew each other and got along famously!  So it’s not like I was suffering from lack of attention or lack of love…but I figured once I landed on the mainland I would reconnect with my previous lover(s) which did include Brad (ya think!).
Well, Brad didn’t want to connect with me intimately and when I suggested that I spend the night at our apartment on my way up from St. George to Missoula, Brad went into complete contraction.  Not only did he not want me to stay in what I still considered “our apartment,” but he filed a restraining order against me so that I couldn’t even pick up any of my warm clothes that I needed for the chilly spring Montana weather!  (I found out later he’d already moved Mary and her six children into our apartment and didn’t want me near the place disrupting their little “love-nest!”)
That was then (four months ago) this is now.  Since then Brad “dis”engaged Mary and is now in a quasi-suedo polyamorous relationship with her and another lover named Lori.  He’s lately been sleeping on the couch in “his” apartment while Mary “rules the roost,” so to speak, along with her four young children as the oldest two, I believe, are now living with their father.  Brad “couch surfs” between Mary and Lori as neither of them wants “sex” as they both want exclusivity with Brad.  (At least that’s the summary of Brad’s recent exploits—according to him.) 
Okay…I’m the first to admit that polyamory is a challenging lifestyle…but my only concern with Brad is to get the damned divorce papers signed so we can both move on with our lives!  I’m convinced that a legal marriage is NOT what either of us wants and any kind of marriage with Brad is definitely out of the question considering the circumstances!  But, as always, I’m open to any possibilities of healing any of my relationships.  Hey, I’ll admit that some of my actions caused some of these consequences…more on that later…
As for my love life…yes, I’ve had a few “hit and miss” relationships (not worth mentioning) since I’ve been in Montana, and one really gnarly one with a self-proclaimed “bad boy” musician/biker/mountain man named Jimmy who I spent three weeks with on his remote, pristine off-the-grid property.  Granted, despite Jimmy’s rough edges, it was a magical three weeks planting a raised-bed garden, transplanting Jimmy’s special “herbs” and picking huckleberries in the nude as I relished the similarities between Jimmy’s place and Higher Ground.  I savored our impromptu concerts around the campfire next to a pastoral stream with Brian—a Buddhist Monk—joining us who’d set up camp in his small trailer nearby.  I bailed on the relationship after Jimmy’s constant lying, cussing and smoking habits (pot and tobacco) got the best of me; but I felt like this relationship helped me vicariously heal a lot of my previous “issues” with Kurt where I went unconscious when things turned abusive.  I finally learned to stand up for myself in the face of abuse—although I’m still dealing with a POS (Piece of Shit) Dodge Caravan which I bought from Jimmy that I call my “Jimmy Rig” as there are so many things that were “Jimmy-rigged” that he promised to fix but didn’t.  Oh well…it gets me from point A to point B…barely.  I’m actually thinking about making lemonade out of this “lemon” by turning it into a “moving billboard” by painting my Holy Vortex logo on it and splattering it with bumper stickers like my other van.  Nevertheless, Jimmy’s colorful character and off-the-chart antics will make good writing material for my next book—OMG! (Oh My Goddess!)
So…a week or so ago I met a “man-of-my-dreams” type of guy who seriously “rocked my world.”  I’ll share all the juicy details for those who want to hear ;-).  I actually “met” him a couple weeks earlier and so when “Eric” (not his real name) called, I couldn’t even remember who he was as I’d been blessed with so many clients (3 or 4 a day).  He was from out-of-town (Bozeman) so I didn’t think he’d be coming back (at least for awhile) so I never kept him in my memory banks or caller I.D.  But when I got Eric on the massage table…I did remember his energy…we’d definitely connected in a big way. 
After the massage (it was my last one for the day) we fell into a conversation.  I told him that he reminded me a lot of one of my best friend’s sons named Joe.  He looked and acted just like him.  I told Eric that I’d had a secret crush on Joe for many years, but since he was my friend’s son and way too young for me (Joe was in his thirties) that we both resisted the urge to “take it to the next level.”
“Well, how old do you think I am?” insisted Eric, whom I felt wanted to take it to the next level.
“Oh, I’ll bet you’re not as old as my kids,” I replied nonchalantly.
“What do you want to bet?” Eric countered.
I laughed out loud, “Oh, you really want to bet me, eh?  Then how about dinner?” I responded, confident that Eric couldn’t be older than my oldest daughter, Aubrey, who’d just turned 34 this past August.
“Well, I’m forty-four,” beamed Eric, even more confident that he’d won the bet.  “How old’s your oldest kid?”
I tried not to blush as mixed feelings of embarrassment and desire flooded through me.  “He’s actually do-able,” I thought to myself as I answered.  “You win…my oldest daughter, Aubrey, just turned 34 in August.  So…where do you want to go for dinner?”
Eric was planning to book a hotel room in Missoula as he didn’t want to drive back to Bozeman that night as it was a three-hour drive.  Since he hadn’t made hotel reservations yet, I asked him how flexible his schedule was as I did know a great restaurant up at Quinn Hot Springs where “we” could book a cabin and then soak in the hot springs the following morning.  I didn’t have a massage booked until two the following afternoon so it seemed like a great proposal.  Everything seemed to synchronize perfectly and so, after a couple of pit-stops to check on a house I was interested in renting up the same canyon we were headed, we arrived at Quinn Hot Springs just in time for a late dinner.
The red wine, the savory salmon, the soft 70s music and quiet conversation were intoxicating; and after spending about an hour enjoying a late-night soak in the warm water—we were ready for some horizontal rumba between the sheets.  We checked into our cabin marked “Bison” and I couldn’t help exclaiming “Oh, look…there’s a picture of a white buffalo on the wall” as I noticed the bison picture hanging above our bed.  It was actually a regular brown buffalo covered with snow but I couldn’t help laughing to myself.  I hadn’t crossed that bridge with Eric yet…I’d gotten a bit wiser with age ;-)
“I manifested this!” I exclaimed to Eric as we fell into each other’s arms, sweating and exhausted after two hours of making love…probably the best love-making I’d ever had in my life!
“Really…how’s that?” Eric chuckled.
“Well, last night I was lying in bed wondering how I could discharge all of the sexual energy I’d built up over the past few weeks of doing Aloha Nirvana massages…and since I broke up with Jimmy a few weeks ago…the only other outlet has been through my own…personal kundalini massage.”
Eric got my drift and laughed.
“So anyway, last night I was practicing the law of attraction that Wayne Dyer had taught me where I envision exactly what I want, then imagine it in detail just before falling asleep.  So I imagined this drop-dead gorgeous guy sweeping me off my feet and having great sex!  The funny thing is…I didn’t know it would be at my favorite resort in the Bison room.  That kinda added a special little ‘twist’ to the whole experience,” I smiled.
“That’s really bizarre…because this morning I woke up wondering what to do today with no plans to come to Missoula.  I then had this thought about the amazing massage you’d given me a couple weeks ago and so I hopped in my van and headed your direction hoping you had time available for me.  It seemed to work out so synchronistically,” Eric yawned.
I spooned Eric as I sensed he was falling asleep, “I’m glad it was you who showed up,” I whispered in his ear.
The next morning we had another round of ecstatic love-making before having a delicious breakfast.  As we listened to Cat Stevens’ rendition of Morning has Broken, I mentioned that Cat Stevens was one of my favorite artists.
“That’s funny…he’s one of mine,” Eric affirmed.
“Okay…so who’s your all-time favorite musician?” I asked, wondering what type of music Eric really liked.
“Well, a lot of people laugh when I tell them…so promise me you won’t laugh.” Eric replied.
“Okay, I promise I won’t laugh.”
“John Denver…I mean his song “Rocky Mountain High” just sends me…” Eric’s voice trailed as he watched me break into peals of laughter.
“Hey…you promised not to laugh!” he exclaimed.
I was wiping the tears from my eyes as I countered, “I’m sorry…it’s just too much of a coincidence.  John Denver isn’t just my favorite singer…he’s my soul-mate.  In fact my first book, Heartsong, was inspired by the song he sang to me the morning after he died…”  I went on to tell Eric the story about how I’d received the song “Heartsong” from the spirit-world the morning after John Denver’s fateful airplane crash before I even knew about it; and how it had become the inspiration for writing my first book, Heartsong. 
I could tell by the look on Eric’s face that I was getting a bit into the “outer limits” territory for his taste so we decided to head for the hot pools for a soak and a Watsu.  I’d brought my watsu gear, so after about an hour of soaking, I floated Eric for what I’ve now coined, “Aquadance”—an advanced form of Watsu.  Eric enjoyed the Aquadance immensely and I felt I was able to release a lot of tension in his neck from a couple of car accidents he’d been in that he’d shared about. 
As I looked at the clock…nearly noon…I knew I wouldn’t make it back to my 2 o’clock massage session in time; so as soon as we got in phone range (there was no phone service at Quinns) I called Deserae to call my client to reschedule.  As Eric dropped me off at Deserae’s and headed back to Bozeman in his Honda Odyssey (yes, he also owns a van complete with a bed in the back…go figure ;-), I couldn’t help wondering if I’d indeed met “the man of my dreams.”
The next two weekends I attempted to reconnect with Eric at his place in Bozeman but both times he shrugged me off saying, “He’d already made plans.”  So feeling a bit spurned, I finally texted him, “I’ve found out at this point in my life that some things that r too good to be true…r too good to be true…that’s why we sabotage them.  GUILTY!”
No reply.
The next day, realizing how I really do sabotage relationships when I feel emotionally invested, I texted Eric again, “U r so damn cute I cant get my mind off of u…even if u r too good to be true! Hope u had a great day!
This time I did get a response, “Hey darlin…don’t you dare ditch me cuz that would make me sad :(
I decided to let the relationship have its time and space to blossom, but I still couldn’t help feeling these old familiar feelings of rejection stealthing their way into my subconscious as I went to bed that evening.  And then at about 1:30 it hit me like a ton of bricks lying heavy on my chest.  The thoughts started to permeate my mind like reels of old discarded film…maybe your mind’s all screwed up and you’re wrong about everything you believe…you’re nothing but a whore and a sinner…everyone rejects you because they don’t want to get the diseases from all of your elicit sex…your children will never love you cause they don’t respect who you are…the Illuminate’s going to hunt you down and kill you when you go public with your website…you are going to end up a sad and lonely hag if you don’t change your ways…you are crazy and going to HELL!
I fought those dark thoughts and feelings like the scene in the movie, Ghost, where the evil spirits grab and pull the lost souls down to hell after they die.  But the dark energy still kept overwhelming me until I wanted to find a way to escape!  Where could I run?  How could I get away from the “me” that I was experiencing as my “dark side?”  Could I ever escape this “me” whom many of my loved ones thought to be me?   Then the thought occurred, “Embrace the darkness and transmute it into light…you know how…just do it.”  And so I did!  I realized (real eyes) that all of these negative thoughts were “fear-based” beliefs which held me hostage; and that love and light cannot exist where there is fear.  In recognizing that these thoughts were just some of my old, fear-based programs surfacing to be examined and then en-lightened—I did just that.  I embraced my fears with love and light, giving them to God, and they soon dissipated like shadows at the break of dawn.  My entire soul was filled with what I now recognize to be the love of God or “Christ-consciousness” which is based on total, unconditional love.  My heart now radiated this light and I soon fell into a deep, restful sleep.  The next morning I awoke refreshed and able to do the four 90-minute Aloha Nirvana sessions I’d scheduled for that day.
On my way home after my last session, I stopped at the Good Food Store to pick up some apple cider vinegar, Ebson Salts, and Swedish Bitters for Deserae who was suffering from a terrible lung infection (which she later learned was pneumonia).  As I was heading to my “Jimmy-rig,” I noticed a man walking to his car with his grocery cart whom I recognized to be Dr. Binder—the Naturopath I used to take my children to when I lived in Pinesdale.  I’d always hoped to develop a “special” connection with Tim Binder as he was the doctor John Denver would fly into “The Bitterroot Valley” to see as Dr. Binder does what’s called “position technique”—a type of therapy similar to Rolfing.  John Denver claims he gained two inches in height because of it.
Tim and I chatted for almost an hour—catching up on nearly twenty years since we’d seen each other last.  He actually remembered me and asked if I still lived in Pinesdale and had I adopted a polygamous lifestyle these days.  I updated him concerning my relationship with Kurt and how it ended over 13 years ago when I’d asked Kurt “for equal rights.”
“Ya know…I always told my patients from Pinesdale that if they want to live polygamy they should make it go both ways.  It just isn’t fair that women shouldn’t get more than one husband if the men get more than one wife.  As for me…one wife is more than I could handle.”  He then shared that he’d divorced his wife, Sharon, about twelve years ago and hadn’t remarried.  They had just spent the last weekend together with their two children.  They had divided their two properties they owned…she took the one in Boulder, Colorado; while he remained at the one in the Bitterroot.
I vaguely recalled Dr. Binder’s home up Blodgett Canyon.  He’d built an amazing bio-dome home complete with solar and windmill power generation.  I’d always been impressed with it as we’d both been drawn to Bucky Fuller’s designs and Windstar’s innovations.  I reminded Tim of my deep connections with John Denver as I was previously a Windstar member and had attended the Windstar Symposiums each year…not to mention attending trainings in Bio-dynamic French-Intensive Raised-bed Gardening and Bucky Fuller’s Biodome design workshop.
“So, do you follow Ed Dames and his remote-viewing forecasts for December of 2012?” Tim questioned, easing me into a conversation concerning the eminent collapse of the grids caused by solar flares.  “I tried to convince my ex and my children to move back here to Montana as it’s really the only safe place to be when everything gets fried.  But she seems to think she’s safe in Boulder.  Hey, I wouldn’t want to be in a heavily-populated area when everything collapses and you have to depend on grocery stores for food.  They say the grocery stores will be mobbed and emptied of food within hours of the grid collapsing.  I hope you have your food and water storage on hand for what’s in store for the planet!”
After we discussed our various “survival strategies” and what I was now doing for a living, I handed Tim one of my business cards that was fresh off the press.  “Hey, if you’d ever like to join me at Quinn or Symes Hot Springs for a Watsu…give me a call.”
“I will,” the distinguished-looking seventy-year-old doctor replied.
As I headed my grocery cart to my van parked in the next aisle, I thought to myself, “No…I wasn’t prepared in the slightest for a worldwide disaster!  I’d been too busy helping my daughter and her family get “back on track,” so to speak, and “making a living” myself.  I’d hoped to secure the 3-bedroom house up Jocko Valley as it had lots of room and a wood-burning stove, but I still hadn’t heard back from “Ernie” concerning it.  We’d discussed his resistance in renting it to me as my credit didn’t check out so well (ya think!) and I was still waiting for his “verdict.”  My current living conditions in Ryan and Deserae’s trailer home were far from suitable let alone “sustainable.”  I was living out of my suitcase in their spare bedroom; and I shivered even when they had the furnace on because the walls were so ill-insulated and they were trying to conserve on their heating bill.  We were all simply struggling to put food on the table as it was…let alone thinking about storing any away.  I could feel overwhelming emotions of anxiety and panic start to seep through me that evening.  Deserae offered up the movie Prometheus she’d rented to take my mind off of things.  I fell asleep after the first ten minutes with the thought…who really is my Maker…and will He/She take care of me through the coming devastation of Planet Earth?
I awoke the next morning early, determined to do a coffee-cleanse to get rid of some of the left-over anxiety I’d experienced the days before.  As I was lying in the tub filled with warm water and my homemade herbal face mask plastered all over my face (my grandkids say it looks like cow-poo, Grandma), one word came to mind, “Rapture.”
Now the mind is like a very complex, high-tech computer that when you plug in or “Google” a key word you get a mass of “downloads.”   I thought about the Christian concept of “The Rapture” at the “end of days” when the whole world is doomed for destruction and the “good people of the planet” are mysteriously “caught up in a cloud to meet their Savior.”  Of course this didn’t jive with my Mormon background which didn’t teach concerning any type of “rapture” but encouraged “the Saints” to get their food storage in…which included white flour, white sugar and salt—the three deadly “white lie” foods.  Of course, my Mom still had 50 pound buckets of whole wheat which was so old that we used most of it as chicken-feed when Brad and I ran the “family farm” out in Draper.  But the fact was clear…I was the most ill-prepared for a socio-economic-planetary collapse NOW then I had been in my ENTIRE LIFE!  Good God…what was I to do!?  Then a quiet voice spoke to me as if from the heavens…”Don’t worry…I’ll take care of you…I always have in the past…I will ALWAYS take care of my sheep whom I call my own.”  WOW!  What comfort and relief those words did for me as I finished up with my coffee cleanse.
It was Sunday morning and the images of a Mother Hen gathering her precious chicks before a storm permeated my mind as I went outside to pick the few herbs that were left for a green drink. I’d promised myself during the week that I’d make one that weekend for Deserae (who was still in bed trying to recover from pneumonia).  As I gathered dandelion, plantain, Shepherd’s Purse, red clover and alfalfa to add to the mint which Ryan had picked the day before, I couldn’t help sing out loud the John Denver song that always came to mind while gathering God’s gifts: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oC6-RswXKSU
Thank-you for this precious day
These gifts you give to me
My heart so full of love for you
Sings praise for all I see
Oh sing for every Mother’s love
For every childhood tear
Oh, sing for all the stars above
The peace beyond all fear.

(I’d changed the second verse to suit my own particular needs)
This is for the pure in heart
Who long to build a home
Who gather here among the Saints
So they won’t be alone
Are they not some dear Mother’s child?
Are they not you and I?
Are we the ones to turn away
And scorn their sacrifice?

Or are they just like falling leaves
Who give themselves away?
From dust to dust
From seed to shear
And to another day
If I could have one wish on earth
Of all I can conceive
‘Twould be to see another spring
And bless the falling leaves

Thank-you for this precious day
These gifts you give to me
My heart so full of love for you
Sings praise for all I see
Oh sing for every Mother’s love
For every childhood tear
Oh sing for all the stars above
The peace beyond all fear

As I headed back to Deserae’s cozy trailer home, I noticed the sunlight just starting to break through the rain clouds…and I smiled.  I tried to think of the words to the Cat Stevens song that Eric and I had listened to at Quinns.  I sang what I could remember as I passed my POS van parked along the side of the driveway next to Deseraes POS Toyota Corolla that she was “forced” to drive as Ryan had totaled her brand-new Toyota Corolla a few weeks earlier while on an overdose of Ambien (a powerful, hypnotic, prescription sleep-aid).  We were all grateful nobody got hurt in the accident…and simply considered it just another one of those “bumps in the road” called “life.”  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LwEVPlm-gZl  

Morning has broken, like the first morning
Blackbird has spoken like the first bird
Praise for the singing, praise for the morning
Praise for them springing fresh from the word

Sweet the rain’s new fall, sunlit from heaven
Like the first dewfall, on the first grass
Praise for the sweetness of the wet garden
Sprung in completeness where his feet pass

Mine is the sunlight, mine is the morning
Born of the one light, Eden saw play
Praise with elation, praise every morning
God’s recreation of the new day

As I finish writing this very long expose on where my life has led me these past few months, I can’t help wondering if there is “Another Earth” like the movie by the same name that is being prepared for us to “quantum leap” to when the world (as we know it) is transformed.  Or that Tim Binder didn’t realize that Ed Dames has an advanced course in Remote Viewing called Remote Influencing; and that perhaps if we, as an enlightened group of conscious Earth-lovers, put all of our efforts into influencing the outcome of so-called “Apocalyptic Prophecies,” that we could pray for a better outcome.  I actually tried this when Japan was hit with the epic earthquake last year and they predicted huge tsunamis in the Hawaiian Islands.  I sat down and did an active visualization of a huge bubble protecting the islands—and my dear friends who lived there…and guess what?  They didn’t get the tsunamis that were predicted!  Do you think that this could be possible on a world-wide basis if we all united in prayer?  I SINCERELY BELIEVE WE CAN!  Anyway, things could get interesting…and right now…I’m open to any and all possibilities!

In closing, I’d like to quote one of my favorite verses from the Gnostic Gospel of Truth:
The day from on high has no night, and its light never wanes, for it is perfect.  Proclaim, then, that you are this perfect day and that it is in you that the unfailing light dwells, you who possess the Gnosis of the heart.  Utter the truth to those who seek it, and speak Gnosis to those who in their error have made mistakes.  Make firm the foot of those who have stumbled and stretch out your hands to those who suffer from sickness.  Feed those who are hungering and afford repose to those who are weary, and raise up those who wish to rise, and awaken those who sleep.  For you are the “Gnosis of the heart” that is manifest.
BTW—Gnosis, Kundalini Awakening, The Oneness, Enlightenment, The Quickening and Ecstasy…all share the same meaning as “Rapture.”  It’s also the final scene in the last chapter of my book Heartsong!  (Go figure ;-)

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